"I couldn't get you to stay off that stupid thing. But no, you couldn't do that. Now you're engorged in it."
—to Jamie, about her being online
#1724
#1722
"I sent you a message... saying that... I guess you don't want me in your life... because you sure didn't give a fuck about calling me."
—voicemail to Debbie
#1719
"You said that I don't matter when you grabbed the guy's fuckin' hand and put it on your tit!"
—to Winnie
#1718
"I'm getting tired of not talking to you. I love you. I'm hoping that if you wake up you'll be tired of not talking to me too."
—text to Jamie
#1716
"See? You can't stop saying that stupid phrase that came from another guy.... an INTERNET guy."
—text to Jamie, about Cheffrey
#1715
"Why don't you delete that voicemail... put another one on there that says you're a piece of shit."
—voicemail to Tiffany (Debbie)
#1714
"You're leading guys on. Makin'—makin' them follow you. Wigglin' your ass so they will follow you."
—to Winnie
#1713
Lorne:
"Stop getting frustrated."
Debbie:
"Well, it's just f*king spit it out, you know what I mean?"
Lorne:
"Whaa-aah—How do you want me to spit out what I don't know what exactly what's in my head yet?"
#1710
"Tony was my best friend. Well, he was an odd best friend because he screwed a lot of people, including me."
—to Cas3y
#1709
Tiffany (Winnie):
"I don't know if you know this, Lorne, but women don't need constant dick pics. Especially of a f*cked up dick."
Lorne:
"So I guess you don't need me."
#1708
"IF YOU LOVE ME, YOU DON'T WANT ANOTHER GUY'S CUM ON YOU! YOU'D WANT MINE AND THAT'S IT! IT'S LOVE, CASEY!"
#1707
"You're the one in your life that is always gonna be in your life. You're the only one that is always gonna be in your life."
—to Winnie
#1706
"We used to be on the phone for over two hours, sometimes longer. You put me in the back seat and Donkey Kong in the front seat."
—text to Jamie
#1705
"Yuh, a deep tissue massage... that means he's gonna fuck you. A deep tissue massage right in your pussy."
—to Winnie
#1704
"[Maria] said I still don't think I did anything wrong. Listen to the YouTube channel "Lorne's Redemption." That should tell you. It's me reading my chatlog with a friend. You will want to read the comments too. Even from celebrities."
—letter to Matt the lawyer, about one of Maria's "9 lies"
#1703
Ramona:
"You're such a gentleman, Lorne."
Lorne:
"Well, I know. Too bad it's taken you nine fuckin' months to realize it."
Ramona:
"Well, I was being sarcastic in that statement."
#1702
"I only wanna spend the rest of my life with you and your pussy. And your beautiful belly button, and your beautiful butthole. And your beautiful boobies."
—to Winnie
#1699
"So I guess.... some things about me ARE changing, it's—it's just... takin' a minute. Or two."
—voicemail to Debbie
#1697
"Jamie's ex-boyfriend was at Jamie's house when Winnie was there. He took care of the raccoon for Winnie so that she could go to the hospital to see you. She went back and Dirk had... shot up. I guess heroin. And he overdosed and he died."
—to Will, about Winnie getting charged with murder
#1696
"Constantly telling me to shut up when I'm being loving to you is affecting me."
—text to Jamie
#1695
"Why dontcha get some more druggie friends around ya, do some more fuckin' coke... ruin us some more."
—to Winnie
#1694
Ramona (POST-catfish reveal):
"We don't have a relationship."
Lorne:
"No, we just have feelings for each other."
#1693
Lorne:
"I didn't call [Maggie Jo] names."
Jamie:
"Oh, you haven't?"
Lorne:
"Well, I have before. I don't do it all the time though."
#1686
"Look how bad—we're both cryin'! We don't wanna be apart!"
—to Jamie, when only Lorne was crying
#1685
"I want you to love my mom and I want my mom to love you. You need to shut your fuckin' mouth about my mom."
—to Winnie
#1684
"I think it's important that it be known that I haven't been on the internet in about 2 and a half years. Something she didn't state too loudly."
—letter to Matt the lawyer [this is #5 of Maria's "9 lies" that she told in court]
#1683
"I'm going to move forward either way. But I need to know which direction it's going to go in."
—to Ramona
#1679
Jamie:
"Are you into your sister or something?"
Lorne:
"No. I just liked her hair. I always liked long hair."
—just after Lorne stated that long hair and brushing hair was "romantic" and a turn-on for him, he stated that some of the women/girls whose hair he brushed were relatives, including his sister and nieces
#1678
"I'm telling you out straight, the only one that has ever seen my asshole is my girlfriend."
—to Emma, about Ramona
#1677
"The reason I did it was because I couldn't fuckin' think straight, because I was so fucked up because of thinkin' way too fuckin' highly about people that weren't—that I shouldn't fuckin' have been thinkin' highly about!"
—to Ramona, claiming that the reason he tried to molest children was because he thought highly of his siblings when they didn't deserve it
#1676
"Everybody wanted that hat, but you didn't want it—it was dirty so you didn't want it so you gave back to Emma. Do you know how much that fuckin' hat's worth?!"
—to Tiffany (Casey), about the Boston Red Sox cap he wore on To Catch A Predator
#1674
"There must be a reason that God wanted me to be here and go through this. I’m smart, honest and caring enough to not normally do what I did “to get myself in here”. Even on the road to committing the crime that got me in here, everything inside of me was telling me to turn around and go home but something else inside me kept driving me to move forward. The only thing that I can think is that God must want me to go through this for a good reason."
—from Lorne's prison journal
#1672
"All I'm asking for is a hundred percent of you and you get a hundred percent of me! And you're telling me out straight 'No'!"
—to Ramona
#1669
"There was no wall to her point where it stopped."
—to Cas3y, attempting to say that Jamie had no boundaries when it came to her closeness with Will
#1668
"Well, she can join the club. She-she-whuh-whunnamade—my fuckin' blood pressure high. I'm not gonna be put on a fuckin' guilt trip."
—to Matilda, about Casey, when Matilda said Casey's blood pressure was spiking after surgery because of the stress Lorne was putting on her
#1666
"I don't go out and try to make friends with other women, because I have a woman that I'm proud of."
—to Jamie
#1665
"You don't wanna get raped, but you're raping yourself."
—to Winnie, when she wasn't working hard enough to get out of jail
#1664
"If you f*cking TOUCH my f*ckin' girlfriend, then youyuh-you f*ckin' broke her heart, because I will break up with her, because she wouldull—would've allowed you to do that."
—to Dan, about Casey
#1657
Lorne:
"I can walk out in public [in Maine] and people don't—they don't recognize me. Out in California, can't—I can't say that for sure."
Cas3y:
"Paparazzi would just follow you around out here?"
Lorne:
"Yeah."
#1656
"I wouldn't really call it a temper tantrum... I'd call it a disappointment tantrum."
—to Jamie
#1654
"When I throw up I get the full effect of throwing up, literally—sound effects and everything."
—to Tiffany
#1652
"I still don't know how I got an attraction to her."
—to Tiffany (Debbie), about Kayla, the 13-year-old decoy
#1650
"I'm sorry—I'm very sorry that your mom is not the mom that you deserve to have. But my mom is the mom that I deserve to have. And you deserve to have a shot at her too."
—to Winnie
#1649
"I just knew she's ignoring MY calls all fuckin' day! Ignoring my TEXTS all day! She can kiss my ASS all fuckin' day!"
—to Dan, about Debbie
#1648
"I may not have a license to be a lawyer, but I can guaran-goddamn-tee I'm smarter than any lawyer."
—to Winnie
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#1647
"I think she likes that I send her pictures, she just doesn't wanna say it."
—to Will, about Jamie
#1646
Lorne:
"My cousin is paralyzed from the neck down. He can still feel when his cock is being touched."
Tiffany (Winnie):
"Why, does it react when you touch it?"
Lorne:
"Does it matter?"
#1645
"I'm gonna tell you, the biggest thing about me is my heart—it's not even close—my looks don't even compare to what my heart holds."
—to Emma
#1644
"Yeah, what else is he takin'? Your virginity?"
—to Winnie, when she said there was a man taking her blood pressure
#1643
Lorne:
"I don't care. I don't fuckin' care."
Debbie:
"Good, that's what I want you to say: I don't care. I wanted you to say 'I don't care,' so we can move on, and actually have an adult conversation."
Lorne:
"Yeah, well, you know I DO fuckin' care."
#1642
"I love Debbie. I'm in love with Debbie. She's—she's so FUCKING awesome and... it just... it blew my fucking mind. She is so goddamn fuckin' awesome. I've never met a woman so awesome as her."
—to Human-Jamie
#1641
"Don't give me a rash of shit."
—to Winnie (Editor's note: I realize Lorne says "rack a' bullshit" a lot. But in this instance he said "rash")
#1638
"Obviously, I'm a lot smarter than the people on the internet. Cuz I know how to get them to stop doin' stupid shit."
—to Tiffany (Casey)
#1635
"That wood-heat helps the bones a lot more. When you're older and you got arthritis, that wood-heat is better for you than any other kind of heat."
—to Winnie, about Mama Gwen
#1633
"It's my cock, so if I wanna fuckin' show everybody, I'm gonna!"
—to Winnie, after she confronted Lorne about sending pics to her sister, Debbie
#1630
Jamie:
"Twice is constantly?"
Lorne: "Uhhl—that's-that's-that's on the verge of being constantly."
#1629
Lorne:
"You're gonna prove [your love] to me by never mentioning another guy again."
Casey (Winnie):
"What about Jesus?"
Lorne:
"Jesus—fine. It doesn't mean that Jesus has to be fingering you."
#1628
"I know it would upset Winnie, I don't wanna upset Winnie, I love Winnie. Winnie knows I love Winnie. Everybody knows I love Winnie, I'll always love Winnie. I won't stop talking to Winnie."
—to Human-Jamie
#1627
"Fuck, I can bend over and touch the floor. I'm a GUY. With my legs straight. If I'm sittin' down, my hand—I'm sittin' down my hands can go past my fuckin' feet. And I'm a—and I am a GUY."
—to Emma
#1624
"There is nothing better than waking up in the morning, goin' out and seeing trees. Trees and grass."
—to Cas3y, trying to entice her to move to Maine, during their FIRST phone call
#1619
"Are you forgetting that we actually have feelings for each other, that—ennghg—almost a YEAR'S worth?"
—to Jamie
#1618
"I am not and never was a threat to society. I’m doing time because the authorities talked me into doing a crime."
—from Lorne's prison journal
#1611
"He's ruining everybody's summer. Especially mom's. Mom's—Mom's sick. She's had a cold. She can't get rid of her fuckin' cold, because of Roy's bullshit."
—to Winnie
#1610
"Regardless of anything, we still need to meet."
—to Ramona, AFTER she revealed to Lorne that she was a catfish
#1609
Tiffany (Casey):
"I'm not your girlfriend. I'm your friend."
Lorne:
"Casey, stop fuckin'—stop fuckin' lyin'! Stop pullin' that FRIEND bullshit!"
#1607
"Yes, well, whenever I have yelled at you, you deserved it, because you brought it on."
—to Winnie
#1605
"It'd be pretty cool to see the four of us ridin' around on unicycles."
—to Emma, about her, Debbie, Dan, and Lorne riding unicycles together
#1604
"You have no idea how many times a day I look at your pussy. And your asshole. Sooooo beautiful."
—to Jamie
#1603
"I have another question too that's really got my curiosity moving. What are you wearing for PJs? LOL"
—email to Cas3y
#1602
"I'm your bitch, though. Just be careful how much of—uhhh—how much you treat me LIKE a bitch."
—to Tiffany (Casey)
#1601
"I have to wonder if you're madly in love with him so much so that you.... fell in love with me too."
—to Ramona, about her real boyfriend (AFTER Lorne found out she was catfishing him for 9 months)
#1600
"It doesn't matter how nice I be, you still try to say the dumbest fuckin' shit to try to piss me off!"
—to Jamie
#1599
"Maria, my probation officer, wouldn't even look at me in court yesterday. That's because she knew how much she was going to be lying about me to the judge! That's perjury!"
—letter to Matt the lawyer
#1598
"You need to not concentrate on me. Me and Winnie have me. You need to have yourself."
—to Roy
#1595
"There's IS something that I'll never take away from you, though... I'll never stop telling you that I love you."
—to Ramona, AFTER she revealed to Lorne that she was a catfish
#1594
Winnie:
"I lost a cigarette."
Lorne:
"You lost it where?"
Winnie:
"I don't know, probably in my butt."
Lorne:
"It wasn't lit, was it?"