#2052

"I am not gonna laugh at things that are not laughable about."

—to Emma, when he didn't find it funny that she called him "Mr. Penis"

#2051

"I just went to pee too. You should have held it for me. I had a hard-on." 

—text to Cas3y

#2050

"I don't defend what I did. I defend what I know I did not WANT to do."

—to the Therapist, about trying to molest a 13-year-old

#2049

"I've had a lot of people tell me that I look like Justin Timberlake."

—to Cas3y & Jamie

I was going to label the picture, but
I forget which one is Lorne.

#2048

"I'm not making you happy because you're not making ME happy!"

—to Ramona

#2047

"Alright, let's go."

—to Silent Rick, who did not exist

#2046

"I'd compare [your boobs] to... a balloon full of... actually a balloon full of water. Full of water so it's... tight."

—to Jamie

#2045

"I do think that Iraq had something to do with it; that there was somethin' between Saddam Hussein and Bin Laden. I'm sure they talked a few times, I'm sure."

—to Paul Mauro, about 9/11

#2044

"You will be legally over the limit and drunk and it will look bad on your resume."

—text to Cas3y, after she said she was going to drive after having 2 beers

#2043

"How can you NOT live... without looking for a message from this guy when you're on the phone with me?!"

—to Jamie, about Rawd

#2042

"Stop fawkin' knowin' it all!"

—to Winnie

#2041

"People are doing a good job at being too noticeable."

—to Dan, about how no one answers the phone when Lorne calls, but they answer when other people call, and the fact that Lorne has figured that shit out

#2040

"Nnyeh—it's not that I'm SELFISH, it's that I'm in love with you and—and the crap I've been through makes me do fawked up shit." 

—to Ramona

#2039

"I'll kill any motherfawker that mistreats a dog—an animal—period."

—to Paul M

A still from a video depicting Lorne's dog Roscoe tied to a treadmill

#2038

"I don't care if you make fawkin' friends, but you don't need to give 'em your fawkin' phone number!"

—to Jamie

#2037

"I love your boobies no matter how big they are."

—to Kayla, the 13-year-old decoy

#2036

"Yeah, everybody has SEEN my cawk. But not everybody has FELT my cawk."

—to Winnie, assuring her she's still special to him

#2035

"When you try to put that point across, compared to what you used to say—say to me, it only makes me think more. So you might wanna decide how much you want me to think."

—to Jamie

#2034

"I don't wanna treat you bad. I wanna treat you like the princess that I think you are."

—to Winnie, the tub-shitter

#2033

"That fawkin' bitch is a piece a' shit! When're you gonna see that, mom?!"

—to Mama Gwen, about his sister and HER DAUGHTER, Laurie

#2032

"FAWK THAT FAWKIN' SITE! IT'S A PIECE A' SHIT!"

—to Emma, about a Church of Cawd Facebook group


(Editor's note: I just think it's funny to call a website a "piece a' shit")

#2031

 

Lorne:
"They think my teeth are in really bad shape. My teeth are NOT in bad shape. They're stained. My teeth are stained, and that front one is a crown. That's why that one's off-color. There's nothin' medically wrong with 'em, other than—the only thing wrong with 'em is they're stained from—from coffee and cigarettes. That's the only things that's wrong with 'em. They're stained AFTER 30 YEARS."

Cas3y:
"They're chipped and they're broken."

Lorne:
"That's from a cavity. I had a cavity on the front tooth. That's what happened with my other front tooth—I had a cavity on it, and part of it chipped off. My other one has a filling and I've had a couple molars pulled, and I've had two of my wisdom teeth taken out. That's the only thing wrong with my teeth."

#2030

"I don't think it's a fairy-tale thing, I think it's real. I think spirits live on and they either go to hell or they go to heaven. And my spirit's gonna go to heaven."

—to Winnie

#2029

"Really?? Wow."

—to Cas3y, absolutely shocked after she said she didn't recall the name 'Lorne Armstrong'

#2028

"You've broken up with me every day for the last week and a half."

—to Winnie

#2027

"Your pride is costing us each other."

—to Jamie

#2026

"I don't think a church mouse pays taxes."

—to Cas3y

#2025

"People think money is the biggest fawkin' thing in the world. It's not. Bein' able to breathe is the biggest thing in the world."

—to Will or Jamie, I forget which

#2024

"You always wanted to get in my head, so I let you in."

—to Jamie, explaining why he accused her of cheating

#2023

"Your sister's a fawkin' city slut."

—to Winnie, about Debbie 

#2022

"If he mentions his buns, tell him stick his buns in his fawkin' face."

—to Jamie, about Will

#2021

"Can ya see the tank top that I'm wearin'?"

—to Winnie, all giddy because he thinks she can see him live on Google Earth

#2020

"Welcome to the Yorn—the Lorne Reality Show...."

—to YouTube viewers, mispronouncing HIS OWN NAME on his cooking show

#2019

"I'd like to ask you some more answers." 

—to Jamie

#2018

"I have a question for you. When we fall asleep, and you're here, when you wake up in the middle of the night, and I'm still sleeping, are you going to start sucking on my penis?" 

—to Kayla, the 13-year-old decoy

#2017

Winnie:
"I'm gonna suck on your big square tooth."

Lorne:
"Yeahhh. I like that."

#2016

"I don't love the way you're thinking about Will's cawk."

—to Jamie 

#2015

"I'm walkin' around with my hand on my head, thinkin' about your bellybutton picture, and your other pictures."

—to Winnie

#2014

Tiffany (Casey):
"Why would you call people faggots? That's pretty hateful."

Lorne:
"Cuz they are! I didn't put 'em there!"

#2013

"You're supposed to be my wife, Winnie, and you sucked on Dan's CAWK... when you were camping!"

#2012

"Why would you wanna—nyeh—spend so much time with another guy, and—and lose feeleh—and take the chance of losing feelings for me and getting feelings for him?"

—to Jamie, about Carter

#2011

"I am not Mr. Penis."

—to Emma & Ramona

#2010

"Why would you hide that from me when you've taken me in with you to go shit before?"

—to Winnie, angry that she was "hiding" her bathroom activities from him

#2009

"Today—today, you did it again today. DAN, every time I turn around—the fawkin' word DAN. Now I don't even like the name."

—to Tiffany (Casey)

#2008

"You should love my cum and nobody else's cum."

—to Casey (Winnie)

#2007

[Said while sobbing] "I never wanted to get rid of your panties."

—to Jamie

#2006

Rhoda (Lorne's 18-year-old "stepdaughter"):
" I want you to grab my boobs like a crab. Pinchy-pinchy!"

Lorne:
"Eh-ehss... ehgh—are you alone?"

Rhoda:
"Yeah."

Lorne:
"Okay. Ahb—I'll grab—grab your nipples with my teeth."

#2005

"The sale of Red Sox hats went up because of those Church a' Cawd idiots."

—to Cas3y

#2004

"Who do you like more, me or Dan?"

—to Paul Mauro (Yes, he asked Paul that question)

#2003

"You're the mommy of my children."

—to Tiffany (Casey), DURING  phone sex