#1783

"You wanna give me an ass attack? Well, come here and you can." 

—to Winnie, who actually said she wanted to give him an "acid bath"

#1782

"When you have a boyfriend you don't let some other guy take you out to dinner and wipe your mouth off!"

—to Ramona, about the Doctor 

#1781

"Is your parents going out tomorrow night?"

—to Kayla, the 13-year-old decoy

#1780

"I'm waiting for you to start loving me again."

—to Winnie

#1779

"Good morning, my future."

—text to Cas3y

#1778

"When your fiancé is calling you "bro," and it comes from another guy that she thinks is hot, and her friend is trying to hook them up when she's engaged, yeah, my penis is gonna fuckin' deflate."

—to Jamie, about her calling Lorne "bro" during phone sex 

#1777

"But then you have no reason to not tell me about it, but you still—you still don't tell me about it. You have no reason to not tell me about it, but you still.... try to not tell me about it."

—to Ramona, about seeing the Doctor naked 

#1776

Jamie:
"Why do you say you're 5'8" when you're 5'6"?"

Lorne:
"Because I can."

#1775

"Last one's a Mitchu Beechee!”

—to flagman Ralph

#1774

Cas3y:
"So why would you have an issue with my ex [sleeping] on the couch?"

Lorne:
"Because he took your virginity."

#1773

"You probably didn't even go to fuckin' Terry Hogan fuckin' Chevy."

—to Winnie 

#1772

"I thought it was a mutual agreement between us that we were together."

—to Tiffany (Debbie), about Paula, even though he also said that they never discussed being in a relationship

#1771

"You're supposed to be my girlfriend, why WOULDN'T you call me back?"

—to Ramona, after HE hung up on HER

#1770

"That was pretty... disgusting."

—to Paul, about the 9/11 terror attacks

#1769

"I live better WITHOUT a lot of money than I would WITH a lot of money."

—to Human-Jamie

#1768

"That was an evil-ass fuckin' laugh!"

—to Cas3y, about her writing "Hahahahaha" in a TEXT message

#1767

"You have a lot of other guys that you've intentionally been givin' a hard-on to."

—to Winnie

#1766

"Ehn-ehya—do ya—ennghg—do ya think I'm fuckin' stupid at what your goddamn bullshit is—is doin' right now?"

—to Jamie

#1765

"I got a—eh—a fuckin' MILLIMETER of her fuckin' time today and that COCKSUCKER was there all FUCKING day with her, Jamie!"

—to Human-Jamie, about Debbie and Angelo

#1764

"To me,  you're the only person in the world that has tits." 

—to Winnie 

#1763

"If I didn't have the vaccine, how much alive do you think I'd be?" 

—to Cas3y 

#1762

"Well, it's kinda like with Doberman Pinschers when their—they—uhb—the—their brain grows so much that it—ehb—squeezes on their skull, and it gives them a constant headache, and that's why Doberman Pinschers have such an attitude." 

—to Paul

#1761

"the first and the last [picture] you sent me........such a sexy little body :D"

—to Kayla, the 13-year-old decoy

#1760

Casey (Winnie):
"I have a skin graft infection on my vagina." 

Lorne:
"Yeahhh, and I love it—it's pretty."

#1759

"Your pussy will cure a lot a' things for me."

—to Rhoda, his 18-year-old "stepdaughter"

#1758

"I don't give a fuck! She don't belong behind him!"

—to Ember, about Ramona shaving the Doctor's back

#1757

"No, I wouldn't force you [to have sex]. I'd only be holding your arms down to make sure you didn't punch me in the face." 

—to Winnie

#1756

"I'm not cock-hungry. I'm far from it. I'm Debbie-hungry." 

—to Emma

#1755

"I wouldn't mind havin' a hotdog-smellin' pussy right now." 

—to Winnie

#1754

"I don't give a fuck about the fuckin' bitch at the bar with the fuckin' sendin' tits!" 

—to Jamie, about Girl-Alex [not a typo—that's how he said it]

#1753

Winnie:
"You told me you had a best friend, who was black, in the fuckin' airforce. You couldn't even remember his fuckin' name."

Lorne, after a long pause:
"What, Tyrone?"

A totally real picture of Lorne hanging out with Tyrone Blackman, Lorne's totally real black friend who really totally exists.

#1752

"If you see something you want—get it! But get it legally. And get it in a moral way. Not in a SLUT way." 

—to Rhoda

#1751

"I'll tell him, 'You knowww, I know somebody that would be PERFECT in your movies.' That's what I'll tell him. I'll say, 'I have the perfect person for you to—to play in your next movie.'" 

—to Cas3y, about how he will get her parts in Stephen King's movies

#1750

"So what're ya gonna do, nitpick me through life?"

—to Jamie

#1749

"Sometimes I don't like to SAY that I'm shitting. Sometimes I like that privacy. Sometimes I want alone-time with my shit." 

—to Emma

#1748

"Tell 'em if they like women they're supposed to like fish."

—to Rhoda

#1747

"Who in their right mind would watch a fuckin' porn video of somebody that tried to kill you?" 

–to Winnie, about Debbie watching a video of Angelo

#1746

"Yeah, virgin my ass. I was a wicked male slut." 

—to Tiffany (Debbie)

#1745

Will:

"You're a piece of shit."

Lorne:

"Yeah, well you're a big piece of shit."

#1744

"Shut up! Ye—you're my fuckin' wife, so shut up."

—to Winnie

#1743

"Hey, is the doctor there laughing with you?! Because the way you're putting it off, the doctor's right there fuckin' laughing with you, and probably waggin' his fuckin' dink." 

—to Ramona

#1742

"You don't prefer steak to flounder, but you certainly do prefer impressing people over your husband." 

—to Winnie

#1741

"I think you been fuckin' cahootin' with Emma!"

—to Ramona 

#1740

"Leave them motherfuckers right there, fuck 'em! They'll melt and they'll fuckinnn'—Roscoe and Sadie'll lick 'em up. FUCK 'em! Besides mom, those motherfuckin' cubes—ice cubes are the only ahhhh-and Roscoe and Sadie are the only ones I can fuckin' rely on!"

—to Roy, who dropped some ice cubes on Lorne's floor

#1739

"Sylvester Stallone may have—might actually have to literally come out here and meet my probation officer." 

—to Emma, when Lorne was trying to get his SAG card so he could work with Sylvester Stallone 

#1738

Dan, about Emma: 

"This is TMI, but she's defecating. I must have knocked somethin' loose earlier."

Lorne: 

"Good job, Dan. I'm proud of you, man. I'm gonna—I'm gonna knock some loo—some shit loose with—with Winnie, too."

#1737

"IT'S YOUR FUCKIN' VAGINA, GODDAMNIT!! A PLACE THAT ONLY I SHOULD BE!!"

—to Winnie

#1736

"If some fat-ass, scrawny bitch did that to me, their ass would be in jail." 

—to Tiffany (Casey)

#1735

"Probably your sister's got one. Ask her if you can you use it." 

—to Winnie, asking her to use her sister's dildo

#1734

"No, you're NOT gonna hear the asshole story!!"

—to Nathanielette and Emma, when they asked WHY he showed Ramona his literal ashole