"I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO SLEEP BECAUSE OF YOU AND YOUR BULLSHIT WITH THAT STUPID FAWKIN' DILDO!"
—to Jamie, about Wildo
#759
#758
"If you wanna wear a fawkin' sweatshirt with a letter fawkin' D on it, representing Dan, and you don't have fawking one representing your fawkin' boyfriend, you need to let me go."
—to Winnie
#757
"A life is very fawking precious. I would kill myself if somebody did not risk their life to save you."
—to Tiffany
#755
Cas3y:
"Where are the G-spots?"
Lorne:
"On the inside."
Cas3y:
"Where."
Lorne:
"Usually to the left—I think it's usually to the left."
#752
"I learned that kids are very vulnerable."
—to Cas3y, after three minutes of trying to think of ONE thing he learned in Sex Offender Treatment class
#751
"Whawuh—why don't you try to pretend to be a woman .... and not cheat on a fawkin' boy—on your fawkin' husband."
—to Winnie
#749
Cas3y:
"What are the triggers that made you attracted to minors?"
Lorne:
"It all boils down to not being able to say no. That's what my triggers were."
#748
"If a homeless man is dying ... I don't care what he looks like, if he needs mouth-to-mouth—I'm a guy and I would give him mouth-to-mouth to save his life."
—to Tiffany
#746
"That is nothing but an excuse for you to get your PUSSY slammed by a cawk tonight."
—to Winnie
#745
Cas3y:
"Why was [hanging around Paula] more important than going to work?"
Lorne:
"Because I had an interest in her."
#744
Lorne:
"Obviously you don't wanna be my Valentine."
Jamie:
"And what does being your Valentine entail?"
Lorne:
"Nothin' Jamie. You don't wanna be my fawkin' Valentine, you don't wanna be my fawkin' Valentine, never mind."
#741
"I've always thought that ... I don't know what the proper name is for it, but the flap on the pussy, the outer flap ... I've always thought that was a clit ... then I thought that like right along by the pussy hole, that there was another one."
—to Cas3y
#740
"I'm proud of myself for changing."
—to Jamie, referring to his claim that he went from abusing her every other day to every other week
#739
"They do it the wrong way. They lure guys in that wouldn't normally do this stuff."
—to Tiffany, about Perverted Justice
#737
"You keep that fawkin' mouse outta your mouth, and you throw it on the ground! It's dead!"
—to Casey (Winnie)
#736
"She let me know that I hit her G-spot, and she told me after, 'Yeah, you hit my G-spot.'"
—to Cas3y, about Kathy
#734
"Cuz she's so fawkin' special. She's bein' real with me and she's so nice."
—to Will, about why he loves Jamie
#732
"You got some fawkin' guy you wanna grind your pussy up against?"
—to Winnie, who was just sitting and eating a pretzel
#731
"They're writing down the opposite things of what I tell them."
—to Cas3y, about his probation officer, the polygrapher, and the psychiatrist
#729
"I wanna hear just—your—voice. Cuz just your voice ... lures me in to fawkin' ... bein' so much with you."
—to Winnie
#726
"If they stopped talkin' to me I would a' stopped talkin'."
—to Cas3y, about how Perverted Justice "lured" him
#725
"Money does not mean the world to me. I know how to live withuh—without money. I know how to be happy without money."
—to Jamie
#724
"You—mmmm—you might wanna beee ... thinking a whole lot about your—about what you're doin', because you're takin' me on the edge of fawkin' leavin' ... for good."
—to Winnie
#723
"It just tells me more and more that .. every fawkin' time you fawkin' laugh, convinces me more and more that you must be part of fawkin' Nathaniel."
—to Ramona
#722
"You did everything you could to take me away from Winnie and you fawkin' did it!"
—to Tiffany (Debbie)
#720
“So am I right? Do they have one or do they have two? You're a woman, you can tell me."
—to Cas3y, about how many clits a woman has
#719
"HOW DO I KNOW YOU HAVEN'T SUCKED HIS CAWK?! HIS FAWKING GREAT FAWKING GLORIOUS FAWKING BIG FAWKING FAGGOT-ASS DICK THAT YOU FAWKING TALK ABOUT ALL-TIME!"
—to Winnie
#717
"You start fawkin' laughin' about shit that is affecting me, and that could affect MY mother, when I put YOU right next to my fawkin' mother.”
—to Ramona
#715
"I've had better days. I've had days where I knew my girlfriend was not fawking around on me."
—to Winnie
#711
"I am gonna treat you like I don't even fawkin' give a fawk, because you're actin' like Paula."
—to Ramona
#709
"Oh, I fawkin' love hearing you. That's my girl. That is my girl right there."
—to Dan, who was pretending to be Winnie masturbating
#708
"Me and Casey deserve a chance to find out what's there."
—to Tiffany, about Casey Mauro, the actress that he's never met nor spoken to, outside of the sting
#707
"It's floppy and it's ... nice to suck on, and ... and to play with."
—to Cas3y, describing the "outer clit"
#706
"Listen, you wanna keep calling other guys' cawks beautiful, go right ahead. Don't fawkin' tell me about it."
—to Jamie
#705
"DO YOU REALLY FAWKING THINK THAT I DON'T THINK YOU'RE GONNA GET A CAWK STUCK IN YOU TONIGHT BECAUSE OF THE WAY YOU FAWKING ACT?!"
—to Winnie
#703
Ramona :
"What does your mother have to do with this?"
Lorne:
"Because my mother has to do with everything in my fawkin' life!"
#698
Ramona:
"I don't love you."
Lorne:
"YEAH, WELL, FINE, I DON'T FAWKING LOVE YOU EITHER ... ASSHOLE!"
#694
Jamie:
"Lorne, should I be engaged to someone that abuses me?"
Lorne:
"That is not even a fair question to ask me."
#692
"I'm so fawkin' pissed! !!! I feel so left alone and betrayed! !!!!!! Nothing but a fawkin' game you think I am huh????!!!!!"
—text to Ramona
#691
"I KNOW what I want, Jamie. I want YOU. I want US. What I don't want is you continuously teasing me about WILDO."
—to Jamie
#690
"On the inside, to the left of the pussy. You stick your tongue in, it's on the left."
—to Cas3y, about the location of the G-spot
#688
"She gave me attention, she fawkin' ..... she was always wantin' to be where—wherever I was .... she was focused on me ... she wanted to be around my family—where I was."
—to Will, explaining how he knew Paula loved him
#686
"You're in cahoots with Emma! !! My words are simple! !!!! Go fawk yourself!!!!!!"
—text to Ramona
#684
"I completely feel fawkin' neglected, because you give so much attention to Will. It's royally pissin' me right the fawk off."
—to Jamie
#682
"I didn't tell him, I let him read it. I was too ashamed to tell him."
—to Winnie, about a text she sent that he showed to Alton
#679
"That goddamn song—do you not realize how the fawking thing SOUNDS?! A turtle taking his panties off, and you fawkin' makin' a dance with it!!"
—to Jamie
#677
"I wouldn't give a fawk if she—mmnnggh—had a fawkin' shovel up her cunt."
—to Will, about his SISTER Laurie
#676
"Dan and I can be fawking friends, if my CUNT girlfriend—slash—fawking wife, can shut the fawk up about your boyfriend! But she's too fawking STUPID to do such a fawkin' thing!”
—to Emma, about Winnie
#675
"I'm gonna be a fawkin' asshole 'til the fawkin' bitter end, until you get your fawkin' head screwed on straight!"
—to Ramona, about the Doctor
#674
"Yeah, well, you got Dan on the phone so you'll be able to throw his cum in your face again! I guess you won't be dehydrated then!"
—to Winnie
#673
Tiffany:
"What's our name gonna be?"
Lorne:
"We're gonna be BRUS." [laughs like an idiot]
Tiffany:
"What?"
Lorne:
"Be-right-us. BRUS. I don't know, it just popped in my head."
#672
"You need to call me or answer my call because you treated me like I was nothing this weekend! !!! "
—text to Ramona
#670
"It was more my sister's husband that—that taught me, because he got a book out and taught me."
—to Cas3y, about how he learned about sex at age 17
#668
"If it meant you not doing [porn], I'd get a job at McDonald's, to support your ass."
—to Jamie
Devilish Number
"DON'T—FAWKING—EVER—FAWKING TELL ME YOU'RE GONNA PUT RESTRICTIONS ON ME WHEN IT COMES TO THAT CAWKSUCKER!! SO FAWK—THAT—ROYAL—BULLSHIT!!"
—to Ramona, about the Doctor
#665
Lorne:
"Yeah, I showed her my penis and I went to the house. But what did I do when I got there?"
Cas3y:
"You tried to have sex with me."
Lorne:
"I did?? See, my memory is different. I sat in the chair and I asked for a kiss."
#663
"I know why you're askin' that question. I just don't know why that's wanderin' around in your mind."
—to Jamie
#659
"You couldn't have phone sex with me the other night because you had Will's cawk in your hand!"
—to Jamie
#655
"I'm ending this now. Something tells me that you're in cahoots with Emma and that's some weird ass shit! !!!!! Bye!!!!!!"
—text to Ramona
#653
"We may not be as big yet, but—ahhghg—it's not gonna surprise me if we get there now."
—to Tiffany, about how they might become as famous a couple as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
#652
"I realize that I am, but I don't like admitting that I am."
—to Cas3y, about being sexually attracted to children
#649
"WHY THE FAWK DO YOU WANNA LOOK GOOD FOR THIS MOTHERFAWKER?! TO CHEAT ON YOUR BOYFRIEND?!"
—to Ramona, about the Doctor
#648
"You're the one that gets enjoyment out of other guys touchin' your pussy, that is not your boyfriend."
—to Winnie
#647
"In the pussy and ... on the clit—on the outer clit ... and it was ... on her G-spots ... and I'd lick all around 'em."
—to Cas3y, about his cunnilingus technique
#646
Jamie:
"How long have you gone down on a woman for?"
Lorne:
"Mmmhhhhh.... I dunno, long time. I like staying down."
#642
"Oh, she don't hate me. If it would be anyone hating anyone it would be me hating her."
—to Cas3y, about Paula, the woman he loved for 25 years
#641
Cas3y:
“So for the past 2 years, you've been talking to Will, through the robot."
Lorne:
“What a fawking joke.”
#640
"You don't want me in your family, that's your problem."
—to Tiffany/Debbie, about marrying Winnie
#638
"Do you wanna be a FAWKIN' smart-ass?! Try to be a fawkin' tough girl! See how far that bullshit gets ya!"
—to Jamie
#637
"Yeah. You slept beside him fawkin' titless .... .... .... shirtless. Shirt—shirtless with your tits hangin' out. And you wanna la—and you wanna laugh about it. Ain't that fawkin' cunnin'."
—to Winnie
#636
“It's like Shawn ... and the polygrapher, both of 'em. They—nnnghg—they twist my words around. I'd tell 'em one thing, they'd—they'd literally twist 'em right around.”
—to Cas3y
#635
"Guess what .... all you boos, I'm tired of your game. Have fun with you three. Bye."
—to Emma, Winnie, and Dan
#634
“WHATTA YOU WANNA STICK HIS NOSE RIGHT UP YOUR ASS?? HOW ABOUT YOU SHOVE HIS HEAD RIGHT UP YOUR PUSSY? WOULD THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY??!"
—to Ramona, about the Doctor
#633
"If you throw me away it means I weren't worth anything to you anyway. Don't throw me away."
—to Tiffany
#631
"1.2 million dollars BLOWN. Spent on his little leather jacket, and his expensive glasses he wears—or wore—he probably broke by now."
—to Cas3y, about Xavier
#630
"I've never had my asshole licked, and if anybody does it, you're gonna be the only one that does it."
—to Jamie
#629
"There better not be anybody fawkin' hackin' your goddamn phone. I'll hunt the motherfawker down, and I'll bring his head right into the fawkin' cop station and lay it on their fawkin' table."
—to Ramona
#626
"When you dress up, your attitude goes with the way that YOU dress because you actually have a brain."
—to Jamie
#618
Lorne:
"I've been misdiagnosed for a long time."
Cas3y:
"You've been diagnosed as what?"
Lorne:
"Because they kept me in the sex of—sex offender treatment class for so long."
Cas3y:
"But you said you were diagnosed."
Lorne:
"I said MISdiagnosed."
Cas3y:
"I know, that's what I just said, you were misdiagnosed as what?"
Lorne:
"As ... they've kept me in the sex offender treatment class for so long they've—they've been misdiagnosing me for a long time."
Cas3y:
"What did they diagnose you with?"
Lorne:
"Just ... just by keeping me in the sex offender treatment class."
#617
"This is your last and only fawking time that I am fawking telling you: get that motherfawker outta my head, and away from your goddamn ass! Cuz otherwise you WILL have that horse-dink up your ass, and I wont give a fawk!"
—to Ramona, about the Doctor
#613
“It's not like when I've been down there eating a woman's pussy that I'm counting her clits. It's not really what I'm there for."
—to Cas3y, about why he doesn't know how many clits a woman has
#610
"YOU SURE DONT WANT MY FACE NEAR YOUR PUSSY WHEN YOU GOT THAT SON OF A BITCH ALL AROUND YOU!"
—to Ramona, about the Doctor
#606
"I was just an actual fawkin' guy that got caught up in a bad thing, because of a bad time in my life."
—to Ramona, about the sting
#605
"I probably would have married Carrie if I would have known.”
—to LJ, about his not knowing LJ was his son
#603
Tiffany:
"I thought about how mad you were gonna be. And how you would feel knowing that my egg has another man's sperm in it, and it's making a baby."
Lorne:
"Yeah. That's what's been bothering me."
#600
"I'm thinkin' I wish I was there with you right now. If I was you'd be naked."
—to Kayla, the 13-year-old decoy
#598
Tiffany:
"You don't have real friends."
Lorne:
"I have real friends. I have Dan and I have Emma. I have you, I have Winnie."
#597
"That's what I'm saying—it's your fawkin' voice I'm in love with. You sound so—you sound so fawkin' beautiful.”
—to Dan, who was pretending to be Winnie masturbating
#596
Ramona:
"I did not say anything abusive to you today."
Lorne:
"You didn't have to. You did it without talkin'.”
#595
"She lies. She did a lot of lying."
—to Casey, about Nikki, the woman that filed a restraining order against him
#589
"Ohh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to fawkin' insult the guy that touches your pussy all the time."
—to Winnie, about Miguel
#588
"But if that messed up time in my life didn't happen I wouldn't be able to get my life straightened out now."
—to LJ
#585
"Jesus fawkin' Christ, I can't believe you fawkin'—he's right up your goddamn ass, Casey!"
—to Cas3y, about Alex
#584
"Don't you ever fawking block me from being able to contact you, because it'll be the worst mistake that could ever happen to us!"
—to Ramona
#583
"You better keep your—enngnh—keep your fingers away from drugs. And your face away from drugs."
—to Winnie
#582
"I still fawkin' love you because I know what kinda person you are. You're a person that wants to fawkin' help people. You're a person that wants to fawkin' be an awesome person. You're an angelic person. Except for the fawkin' flirting part that you fawkin' took too fawking far with me."
—to Tiffany
#580
"You know that picture I sent earlier?! Why don't you scroll up and read that?! I sent you picture of my fawkin' cawk! You never even fawkin' sawr it!"
—to Jamie
#579
"I had only found out about you like 2 hours before I talked to you, and I spent about an hour and a half of that crying."
—to LJ, his possible son
#578
"The people on the internet have been the problem the whole time. That's why they kept me in the class."
—to Cas3y, about sex offender treatment class
#576
"If that fawkin' dildo means more to you than I do, it's gonna be a very bad choice."
—to Jamie, about the Wildo
#575
Casey:
"I don't think she likes you very much."
Lorne:
"Oh, she does."
—about Paula, a woman he never dated and hasn't spoken to in over 2 decades
#573
"What have you been doing all night—saying immature shirt."
—to Winnie
(not a typo—that's what he said)
#572
"I weren't impressed either at the time, when that happened, I was—I was not impressed with myself."
—to LJ, about when Lorne tried to rape a child
#569
"I've never respected anyone as much as you—even though you don't see it—I do, and that scares the fawk out of me!"
—to Ramona
#568
"Baby, do you understand the words I love you? Do you understand them words? It means I love you and I'm never gonna fawk with you."
—to Winnie
#567
"I don't know?! Is that what you said, I don't know? You obviously don't know who the fawk is on the other line, because I don't know is not the fawkin' correct answer!"
—to TSA agent
#566
"SCREAM! HIT HIM! Are you fff— SCREAAMM!!! YOU KNOW HOW TO FAWKIN' SCREAM, SCREAM!!
—to Tiffany/Casey, when she was being accosted by Officer Henry Rollins
#563
"Unless they're gay, I haven't met a guy yet that has not been able to look at a woman, other than just a friend, unless he's in love with another woman."
—to Ramona, trying to say that a man cannot be platonic friends with a woman
#562
Cas3y:
"Why were you missing so much work?
Lorne:
"Because I'd stay up late at night. I'd stay at—stay at the bar and wait for her to be done."
—about when he was courting [stalking] Paula
#561
"I'm not gonna be judged by you right now either."
—to LJ, his possible son, who questioned why Lorne was yelling at Winnie
#560
"This is not a one-person decision, it's both of us."
—to Winnie, about her breaking up with him
#555
"Nobody else matters to me but you. You're the only reason that I'm staying alive forever. Or for as long as possible."
—to Winnie
#554
Cas3y:
"How do you know that 'me and you are gonna be together'?"
Lorne:
"Cuz that's what we want."
#550
“Oh, fawk you! Fawk you! You don't like my fawkin' draggin' words, go fawk yourself.”
—to Winnie
#543
"You can talk all you want. It's when you act on it, that's when it becomes criminal."
—to Cas3y, about how it's okay (!) to talk sexually to children
#542
"I've always wanted to have a kid. I've always loved kids. Not in that way—not in—not in the kind of way where I got caught up in that sting though. That's not how I've always loved kids."
—to LJ
#541
"WHAT THE FAWK WAS IT LAST NIGHT THAT KEPT YOU UP ALL NIGHT?! CUZ WE STOPPED AT 10 O'CLOCK!! WHO THE FAWK WAS IT THAT KEPT YOU UP ALL NIGHT??!"
—to Ramona
#535
"I am the biggest nightmare that you have ever seen! It might take a couple years, but after a couple years I'm gonna have your ass!"
—to TSA agent
#533
"ISN'T IT FUNNY, HOW HE WANTED TO TEACH YOU HOW TO MAKE ITALIAN SAUSAGE! CUZ IT LOOKS LIKE A BIG FAWKIN' CAWK!!!"
—to Jamie, about Cheffrey
#532
"You tell him: 'Don't hit on me anymore. I like you as a friend, please don't hit on me anymore.'"
—to Ramona, about the Doctor
#531
"It went away while I was in prison. Like literally, not long after the sting, it went away."
—to Cas3y, about his sexual attraction to kids
#528
"Take a picture with your face in the picture when you're taking a picture of your pussy for me."
—to Winnie
#523
"I DONT CARE IF HE WAS GIVIN' HIS OPINION OR NOT! HE IS NOT YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S DOCTOR! HE SHOULDNT BE GIVIN' ANYTHING!"
—to Ramona, about the Doctor
#522
"I try to do good things. I've always tried to do good things and it wound up biting me in the ass and I lost my—my mind and I couldn't think straight and that's what happened at the sting—with the sting.”
—to LJ, his possible son
—to LJ, his possible son
#519
“You're my best friend. That's why I'm not going after you—because you're in love with Dan. That's why I'm not going after you. I have respect for Dan. That's why I'm not going after you."
—to Emma, about why he's not pursuing a relationship with her
#517
"Run. Run. Run. RUN. RUN. DON'T QUESTION IT. RUN. RUN!"
—to Tiffany/Casey, when TSA agent Henry Rollins tried to apprehend her
#515
"Guess what, bitch! Your ass is up fawkin' creek!"
—to TSA agent (not a typo—that's how he said it)
#512
Cas3y:
"What are your intentions with my little girl? is basically what you were doing."
Lorne:
"No, it isn't. It was—was me trying to find out what his intentions were."
#511
Lorne:
"What Boulevard?"
Casey:
"Sepulveda."
Lorne:
"How do you spell it?"
Casey:
"S-E-P-U-L-V-E-D-A."
Lorne:
"Slower, slower, slower."
Casey:
"S-E-P ... U-L-V ... E-D-A. Boulevard."
Lorne:
"Suh... suh... what the hell?"
Casey:
"Sepuldova."
Lorne:
"Suh- Supellva."
Casey:
"Yeah."
Lorne:
"Suh- suhhh- pelll- vid. Supellvid. Supell—mmghg—well, that took a minute. Supellvid Boulevard."
#509
“He wasn't the best person in the world but he was my friend.”
—to Jamie, about Tony, his "best friend" who died just hours before
#508
"They're buryin' their own—they're burying their own gra—diggin' their own graves."
—to Cas3y, about the Church of Cawd
#506
Lorne:
"Would you be my Valentine this year?"
Jamie:
"Why?"
Lorne:
"Why? The hell kind of answer is that?"
Jamie:
"The last time I was asked that I was like 8."
Lorne:
"what the fawk."
#504
Cas3y:
"You can't talk sexually to a child—that's not true."
Lorne:
"Uhmmgnah—yeah, you can. It's ... that's what the law is. And that came from my lawyer."
#499
"Some of you do really think about some really dumb things to say about some really dumb things."
—to YouTube viewers
#496
"She is your friend. She is my best friend, she is your friend, she is my best friend. "
—to Tiffany, about Emma
#494
"I think shit better fawkin' be straightening around—shit better be straightening around because some fawkin' shit's fawkin' fallin' down a fawkin' hole."
—to Winnie
#490
Lorne:
"Don't tell me it was GUYS that were takin' your clothes off, because they know that's illegal."
Casey:
"It was—there were two guys."
Lorne:
"Well, good. We got a lawsuit."
—about TSA agents strip-searching Casey
#489
"Oh no, I do believe you give a fawk about Dan. I do believe you want his fawkin' cawk down your throat. I believe you want his cawk in your pussy. I believe you want his cawk in your ass."
—to Winnie
#488
Cas3y:
"We went to breakfast."
Lorne:
"Ohhhhh, my good God! Would ya fawkin' wonder about that one!"
#486
“When you swear on somebody else's life ... what it means is—ehenngnhe—if you're wrong, then somebody else can go ahead and kill that person that you swore their life on.”
—to Winnie
#484
"It's illegal for them to strip search them, so, tell' em ..... you strip search 'em, you're goin' to—you're fawkin' goin' to prison. That's an automatic goin' to prison."
—to Emma, about the TSA agents
#483
"If I'm so fawkin' disgusting, I'M HANGIN' UP! CUZ I'M NOT HEARIN' YOU SAY THAT SHIT AGAIN!”
—to Tiffany
#481
"When I showed you a picture of her, I didn't think you were gonna go ass-over-teakettle."
—to Cas3y, about Jamie
#480
"That person that did that was—uhhh—was also ten years ago, and he's gone and it's not—it's not the me that I am now. And—ahhbmm .... the me that I am now, all I care about doing is doing good things."
—to YouTube viewers
#479
Lorne:
"You know the airport you're in, right?"
Casey:
"Yeah. Of course."
Lorne:
"Okay, what is it?"
Casey:
"It's LAX."
Lorne:
"L-A-F—ehhnggthghsggh—L-A-S."
Casey:
"Yeah, LAS."
Lorne:
"L-A-S. Alright, which stands for?"
Casey:
"Los Angeles International."
Lorne:
"Isnuhg ehh—that's L-A-I, not -S."
Casey:
"No, it's not LAI."
Lorne:
"So what's the -S stand for?"
#478
"Yeah, your Wildo. You even named it after him. Know why? Because it came from his cawk. Congratulations."
—to Jamie, about the dildo which was cast from Will's penis