"So, you know, we gotta be ... really careful about doing this."
—to Kayla, the 13-year-old decoy
An Archive Of Utterances By A Man So Smart It Will Make Your Head Spin!
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#1129
#1128
"[Winnie] knew I wasn't what NBC put out. You're basing things around what NBC put out."
—to Tiffany
#1127
"Actually talking to one of your family members, I'm more nervous than I would be talking to... ... ... Abraham Lincoln."
—to Ramona, about speaking to her brother (Bro)
#1126
"I loved the attention that she gave to me and I loved the attention that I gave to her."
—to Casey, about Paula, and how he knew he loved her
#1125
"You have been verbally abusive to me about Dan, and you wanting his cock inside of you."
—to Winnie
#1123
"As long as the bat that you use is gonna be your tits, you can grand slam me all you want."
—to Jamie
#1122
"Rick won't talk to anybody [...] That's the way that Rick is. Some people are like that—they don't even talk. Rick's one of 'em that doesn't even talk. He talks very little."
—to Tiffany, when she asked for Lorne's designated driver to say hello, so she could confirm he actually existed—he did not
#1121
"You're not trying to get involved in MY life, because you don't like trucking—dehhnnghg—you don't like trucking, you don't know anything about it—well, no shit, but, why not learn something about it? GET interested."
—to Cas3y, who wasn't interested enough in Lorne's day-to-day life
#1120
"I'm not gonna hold you while you take a shit. You can take a shit, then I'll hold you."
—to Winnie
#1117
"What a fuckin' worthless piece a' shit. She never used to be so worthless."
—to Tiffany, about Wendy, Tony's wife
#1116
"They have to separate themselves from their clients, whether they like them or not. He doesn't have a biased opinion."
—to Ramona, about the Therapist
(Editor's note: Yes, Lorne thinks 'biased' means 'unbiased')
#1115
"Maybe you should START givin' a shit. Part of the problem might be that you're not caring about enough stuff."
—to Cas3y
#1110
"Product of European ... ... mango somethin' ... mango mang .... "
—to YouTube viewers, when he was trying to figure out what kind of fruit he was holding during an episode of the Lorne Reality Show
#1108
"I wanna make you happy and I wanna care about you. I want my life to be based around you."
—to Tiffany
#1106
"I'm gonna love it when you're here and your cock will be in my mouth."
—to Winnie (not a typo)
#1105
"She was ... she was ... a potential girlfriend that wasn't really a girlfriend that was working on being boyfriend and girlfriend, then she wound up hooking up with some other guy that she didn't even really want, she just used to ... to have sex with."
—to Cas3y, about Paula
#1104
"Listen, you can think about this: I came out to get more coffee, and my cock is hard and flopping all around."
—to Jamie
#1103
"Find a FEMALE therapist. That way, you're gonna walk in there and know that she's not lookin' at you in any sexual way or any 'I-want-her' kinda way."
—to Ramona
#1102
Lorne:
"They asked if I had anything to drink."
Tiffany:
"And you said no?"
Lorne:
"Yeah ... I don't even drink that much."
—about why he failed his polygraph
#1100
"Cas3y, you were so fuckin' manipulatin' today and you've been being—banim—manipulating just to get to Jamie."
—to Cas3y
#1098
"Yuh, I've got a helluva family."
—to Bro
(Editor's note: He did NOT mean this in the positive sense)
#1096
"If they're black people, leave 'em alone, don't say anything bad. If they're Mexicans, don't say anything bad, leave 'em right alone."
—to Winnie
#1095
"Emma, I'm gonna let you talk to her cuz she doesn't want me. She just wants to dick around."
—to Emma, about Winnie
#1094
"I need Allie back—I need to be able to talk to Allie again. Allie's beautiful, but she's married—she's married to a cop and she talked to me about her life and—oh my God, Allie just—she's just so fuckin' perfect."
—to Tiffany, about Allie, his counselor
#1092
"I don't want a woman that's gonna be constantly on fucking COKE, drooling over some other guy's fucking cock."
—to Winnie
#1091
Lorne:
"I don't have a problem admitting when I'm wrong. And I don't have a problem apologizing for it. Even to another guy."
Cas3y:
"Even to another guy?"
Lorne:
"Yeah, because a lot of times guys have problems admitting they're wrong to each other."
#1090
"I've fallen even further in love with you with this pic, hunnay. I didn't think it was possible, but I have, and I'm still crying because of it."
—to Jamie, after she sent a new picture
#1089
"I didn't realize how much she loves me."
—said while crying like a bitch to Emma, about Winnie
#1088
Ramona:
"You were 25 when Paula cheated on you?"
Lorne:
"Yeah, and it still hurts me to this day."
Ramona:
"Paula cheating on you still hurts you?"
Lorne:
"Yeah, cuz I gave her all my trust."
(Editor's note: Paula did NOT cheat on him, they were NOT dating)
#1087
"I'm actually fun if Jamie would let me have some fun moments. She'd be the—she'd see the funner side of me."
—to Will (not a typo—he said 'funner')
#1086
"I'm listenin', Jamie! Spit it out!"
—may be one of the most egregious statements he's ever made, that squeaking, stuttering, mumbling prick
#1085
Cas3y:
"She probably never thinks about you."
Lorne:
"Oh, no, I know she does."
—about Paula, a woman he had not dated whom he had known for only 6 months, 25 years prior
#1084
"My mom's dad—on his side of the family, I think. Which would explain my grandfather's nose, and my mom's nose. And my brother's nose. And my uncle's nose."
—to Ramona, explaining how he's related to Abraham Lincoln
#1083
"You don't think it's gonna bother her, when she's standin' there, Will's got his fuckin' pants down, you're tellin' him that he has a big beautiful COCK, and she has to FART to get your fuckin' attentions because you two are starin' at each other?!!"
—to Jamie, about Will and Winnie (not a typo—he said "attentions")
#1082
"'YA DID, YA DO is fuckin' retarded. And it came from Will!"
—to Cas3y, about a saying that actually came from Lorne
#1081
Winnie:
"Everything's gonna be okay. We just don't need to be boyfriend and girlfriend."
Lorne:
"Yeah, we do, and you KNOW we do."