#2008

"You should love my cum and nobody else's cum."

—to Casey (Winnie)

#2007

[Said while sobbing] "I never wanted to get rid of your panties."

—to Jamie

#2006

Rhoda (Lorne's 18-year-old "stepdaughter"):
" I want you to grab my boobs like a crab. Pinchy-pinchy!"

Lorne:
"Eh-ehss... ehgh—are you alone?"

Rhoda:
"Yeah."

Lorne:
"Okay. Ahb—I'll grab—grab your nipples with my teeth."

#2005

"The sale of Red Sox hats went up because of those Church a' Cawd idiots."

—to Cas3y

#2004

"Who do you like more, me or Dan?"

—to Paul Mauro (Yes, he asked Paul that question)

#2003

"You're the mommy of my children."

—to Tiffany (Casey), DURING  phone sex

#2002

"Are you in love with my penis, precious?"

—to Kayla, the 13-year-old decoy

#2001

"She don't wanna deal with the issue! She wants to suck on Rawd's fuckin' COCK again!"

—to Cas3y, about Jamie

#2000

"YOU OPENED YOUR FUCKING VAGINA TO AT LEAST THREE FUCKING GUYS THAT WAS THERE TODAY! THREE!!"

—to Winnie

#1999

"I'd say they're nice and soft.... and firm. Easy to... to rub on."

—to Jamie, about her boobs

#1998

"No, I'm not gonna pinch Emma's nipples. That's Dan's job."

—to Rhoda, his 18-year-old "stepdaughter"

#1997

"You just wanna keep pourin' on the powder, dontcha."

—to Ramona

#1996

"To be 'in love' with someone means you'd do anything for them—anything to make them happy within a reasonable situation."

—to Kayla, the 13-year-old decoy

#1995

"Women are top fuckin' notch. I was raised by my mom. That's why women are top-notch—what they say goes."

—to Human-Jamie 

#1994

"She's bein' a dumb cunt on purpose. She can go fuck herself."

—to Dan, about Winnie 

#1993

"I wanna look you in the eye when you're eatin' my banana."

—to Winnie (Casey)

#1992

"That is nothing but HORSESHIT and SEXUAL BULLSHIT!"

—to Emma, about Ramona and the Doctor

#1991

"I was just thinking about your cock in my butthole. My beautiful butthole."

—to Winnie (this was during his 'mine-is-yours/yours-is-mine' phase)

#1990

"I need to figure out if I'm going high-profile with this."

—letter to Matt the lawyer, about all the injustices Lorne has been forced to endure

#1989

"Stop trying to throw shit away. For the last few months you've been actin' really weird to me. So I wanna know: is there anybody else."

—to Ramona, after—AFTER!!!—she revealed to Lorne that she was a catfish with a boyfriend

#1988

"My crusty-ass hands are gonna be all over you."

—to Tiffany (Casey)

#1987

"I was—I was already havin'... sex with 'em. I asked 'em, I said, 'Can I titty-fuck you, too?' They said, 'Yeah, do it now before you cum.' "

—to Jamie

#1986

"It's not a dry hot here. It's a wet hot."

—to Emma

#1985

"I didn't fuck a tree."

—to Jamie

#1984

Winnie:
"You probably have tiny little pedophiles in your teeth, keeping your teeth in so you can bite the nipples off of your victims."

Lorne:
"That's just a stupid thing to say."

#1983

"You don't see me stickin' my COCK on some girl's shoulders!"

—to Jamie

#1982

"Why would anybody... write somethin'—abehmhg—sing somethin' about my mom's food when they never HAD her food."

—to Winnie, about Emma's song "Chicken Pawt Pie"

#1981

"If you were here, honey, I could be sucking the milk out of your tit."

—to Jamie


(Editor's note: Lorne thinks all women lactate at any and all times. Seriously)

#1980

"Don't worry, you'll feel better when I start rubbing your vagina."

—to Kayla, the 13-year-old decoy

#1979

"Winnie, you need an ass-whoopin', is what you need."

#1978

"You've got one thing for you that—that you're really lucky of."

—to Jamie

#1977

"Your—your fuckin' NIGHT CAP there with you?"

—to Winnie, referring to some fuckin' guy

#1976

"What's making you so alert?"

—text to Jamie

#1975

"I'm trying this out because of the fact that... I need to know that I can control myself, because... I don't like acting like that to you."

—to Winnie, telling her WHY he is getting drunk

#1974

"once I get off probation you and I will be able to make a lot of money regardless of where we live."

—text to Jamie

#1973

"Fuckin' stupid. It's the DUMBEST thing I've ever heard. You got a fuckin' fiance, and you go jerk off another guy, and claim that you DIDN'T do it because you had a GLOVE on."

—to Winnie

#1972

"We wasn't IN a relationship but we were headed TOWARD a relationship."

—to Tiffany (Debbie), about Paula

#1971

Lorne:
"I don't want your life based around—thinkin' that it has to be something SEXUAL, constantly."

Casey:
"Then why do you send me cock pics, CONSTANTLY?"

Lorne:
"Because I love you. Ahm-yahb-yahm the one that's gonna be your fuckin' husband."

#1970

"How you gonna do that with all kinds of guys rubbin' cream on your asshole?"

—to Winnie

#1969

"That fuckin' closeness is way too fuckin' close, and you don't like it that I don't like it. And I'm not gonna say that I fuckin' like it."

—to Jamie, about Will

#1968

"That voice-changer made you do fucked up things."

—to Nathanielette

#1967

"Those pieces a' shit on the internet don't KNOW her. They have no right to call her 'Mama Gwen'."

—to Winnie, about Mama Gwen

#1966

"How the HELL am I gonna send an email to myself?"

—to Ramona

#1965

"They're all gonna be fixed, so they won't be able to get hard-ons. That just makes it more fun for me, because then when I come home, I KNOW you're gonna be ready for ME."

—to Winnie, about eliminating DOGS as a sexual rival (I swear)

#1964

"It has A LOT to do with me."

—to Tiffany (Casey), about the abuse SHE suffered as a child

#1963

"Another penis goin' in her—that is huge to me."

—to Will, about Jamie's porn career 

#1962

Winnie:
"All those kids you were molesting in the 90's knew that song, so you can sing it to them now if you apologize to them."

Lorne:
"All those kids that I was molesting when I was in my 90's? I'm not IN my 90's."

#1961

"It was just verbal. Verbal mouth-to-mouth."

—to Paul Mauro, about the alleged contract Lorne had with Nikki

#1960

"You know that when you're suckin' on somebody's cock, you know whether or not it's your boyfriend's or not."

—to Emma, about Ramona

#1959

"You're so stuck on Will's cock you never even seen mine!"

—to Jamie