#1916

"No, we're not breaking up. We've gone—we've come too far and we're getting too close to being together."

—to Winnie

#1915

"I asked them why they liked it so much. They said, 'It felt good! It feels good on my head!' Then they'd ask me if they could go to Kmart... Heh. It cost me money just to brush hair." 

—to Jamie, about brushing his nieces' hair. 

[Editor's note: During the same phone call Lorne states that he loves long hair, and that brushing hair is "romantic" and a turn-on for him. He states that some of the women/girls whose hair he brushed were relatives, including his sister and nieces]

#1914

Winnie:

"Your phone probably smells like weak coffee and Ultra Light 120's."

Lorne:

"No, probably—probably smells like your pussy, cuz that's all I'm breathing in."

#1913

"Have you heard from Casey at all? Since this afternoon? I haven't heard from her since, like, 3:40 this afternoon and she sent me a message said, 'Take your tits out.'"

—to Paul M

#1912

"Because I didn't want you to know that I was disappointing you."

—to Tiffany (Debbie), trying to explain why he lied about drinking at Tony's 

#1911

"I called you, I texted you, and I got NOTHIN'. The people you work with got EVERYTHING." 

–to Cas3y, when she went out for drinks with coworkers

#1910

"I'm not the greatest chef in the world so I don't have any fancy way of... movin' the knives around and all that crap." 

—to YouTube viewers, during his cooking show

#1909

"No, my hands are not CRUSTY. My hands are smooth. It's just that they're muscular." 

—to Tiffany (Casey)

#1908

"How can we be together when you don't wanna be with me?" 

—to Jamie

#1907

"He's got his little discifles emailing me."

—to Cas3y, about Alex Jones (not a typo - two times he pronounced 'disciples' with an F instead of a P)

#1906

"If you REALLY wanna know if I have Christmas trees here, fawkin' get here!"

—to Jamie

#1905

"I might as well forgive you since you're just gonna end up doing it again anyway."

—to Winnie, after she cheated on him

#1904

"Last night, I thought you were the fawkin' greatest woman in the world, with the exception of my mom. You had only her to compete with."

—to Tiffany (Winnie)

#1903

Winnie:
"I love polka-dots!"

Lorne:
"I wanna poke your dot."

#1902

"I'm might be a fawkin' hillbilly but I'm a SMART motherfawkin' hillbilly!"

—to Paul M

#1901

"I love the fawk out of you and you don't give a shit about me!"

—to Jamie

#1900

Lorne:
"You might wanna be careful on—on sugar-free shit."

Winnie:
"Why?"

Lorne:
"Cuz it'll make ya have to take a shit, when ya—when you don't even know that you have to take one."

#1899

"You can't bring a guy into your life just because he has a dick."

—to Rhoda

#1898

"Somewhere along the way I got called a molester. [Starts to cry] That was so fawkin' upsetting!"

—to Dan

#1897

"YOU WANNA PLANT THAT CAWKSUCKER AS SOME KIND OF FAWKIN' HIGH-VALUED PIECE A' SHIT!"

—to Jamie, about Rawd

#1896

"Mgnggh—that's why you let me believe you were gonna be dead for three weeks."

—to Winnie


[Editor's note: So she was going to be dead for 3 weeks? I hate how he talks]

#1895

"I was happy as a clam in shit when you said no."

—to Ramona

#1894

"For someone that is so smart you're extremely stupid."

—email to Alex Jones 

#1893

"Every male is a vagina expert."

—to the Psychotherapist 

#1892

"If that's the case then I'll let you go right now because there's a lot of other women that have a lot of crushes on me, and I'll go fawkin'—I'll go fawkin', ah... search them over." 

—to Winnie

#1891

"I'm floored by my fawkin' ignorance goin' over there." 

—to Emma, about going to Tony's house

#1890

"We need to change to fit each other."

—to Jaime 

#1889

"Does your sister approve of ham?" 

—to Winnie, about Debbie

#1888

"DID HE SHOW YOU HIS DICK TOO?!! NOT YET?!! WAS YOU FAWKIN' WORKIN' YOUR WAY THERE?!!" 

—to Jamie, about Tawd

#1887

"Do I need to 'check myself,' or do you need—do you fawkin' need to have GG clean your fawkin' VAGINA again?" 

—to Winnie

#1886

"In Maine a hitman is called a 'pussy'." 

—to Paul M

#1885

"You got me all fawkin' uncunnin' because'a this CHEFFREY and you sayin' no to me!"

—to Jamie, after he yelled another marriage proposal at her

#1884

"You've been a threat to every relationship i've had since I saw you in that interview that your hair was  straight."

—text to Cas3y

#1883

"Obviously you got a different feeling about your asshole because any guy will do."

—to Winnie

#1882

[Said while sobbing] "Every time I look at the chickens, I think of you.... because they were OURS."

—to Jamie

#1881

"I'll tell your mom to get you a vibrator, too."

—to Rhoda, his "stepdaughter"

#1880

"I have NEVER called you a bitch! Other than when it's just to YOU!"

—to Ramona, when she accused him of calling her a bitch to Emma, which he did

#1879

"I was a male slut before all the—all the fawkin'... that shit happened."

—to Tiffany (Debbie)

#1878

Winnie:
"I'm not on a drug."

Lorne:
"Yeah, you are."

Winnie:
"Nuh-uhh."

Lorne:
"No, you're probably on a cawk."

#1877

Lorne:
"When you're here with me, you're not gonna think I'm so lame."

Tiffany (Casey):
"Yes, I will. Wanna make a bet?"

Lorne:
"Alright—leh-leh—let's use this—let's use this as an example.... okay.... if I decided to fawkin' sit down in the easy chair.... so, am I lame?"

#1876

"I'm YOUR man, and that's where my cawk belongs—is with YOU."

—to Winnie

#1875

"Does your body want me?"

—to Jamie

#1874

"FIVE GUYS have seen my wife naked today."

—to Winnie

#1873

"Do you know you were on the edge of cheating on me?"

—to Jamie

#1872

Lorne:
"can I kiss your knee too? lol"

Kayla, the 13-year-old decoy:
"lol yeah but y"

Lorne:
"because it's a sexy knee and it's part of you so I wanna kiss it lol"

#1871

Dan, about Winnie:
"How can you blame her for lying if you don't know she's lying?"

Lorne:
"Because she shouldn't be lying to me about anything."

#1870

Lorne:
"Listen. You're a model. I was on a TV show. So—yenggh-uhngh—you see what I'm saying? You and I are no longer typical people. You and I need to watch out for what we do."

Tiffany (Debbie):
"So, you're saying it's the same thing as like—"

Lorne:
"Celebrity."

#1869

"You have a fetish with Emma—with the way Emma looks."

—to Winnie, because she called Emma fat

#1868

"IT'S YOUR FAVORITE WORD IS WILL!"

—to Jamie [not a typo—that's how he said it]

#1867

"You say you care about my mom, and then you go and call her a fawkin' gorilla! Isn't that fawkin' brilliant!"

—to Winnie

#1866

"It's not hard to get close to little kids—they touch a soft spot in...in everyone."

—to Will

#1865

"I'm not using you for information, I'm... tryin' to find—fawkin' find out shit that I don't know."

—to Emma

#1864

"I think mommy's gonna help you and I think you're gonna help her. You two were meant to be together."

—to Sadie (his dog), about Winnie

#1863

"The media would be all over us fast."

—text to Cas3y, about Lorne moving to California to be with her

#1862

"Stop and think about the way you're thinking about things!"

—to Winnie

#1861

"Your nipples aren't gonna cum."

—to Jamie

#1860

Winnie:
"My daughter was pregnant under [Debbie's] care, and I didn't even know about it 'til she was like 8 months along. I was trying to f*ckin' Kirby that bitch out of her uterus but it didn't work."

Lorne:
"Uhnngghgg—you were try'na—emgh—uhll-why the hell would you try to do somethin' like that. That's ignorant."

#1859

"It's SPECIAL to me because... you shared something with me—secretive with me. And I LOVE that."

—to Ramona, when she told Lorne that she wears a diaper