"You always wanted to get in my head, so I let you in."
—to Jamie, explaining why he accused her of cheating
An Archive Of Utterances By A Man So Smart It Will Make Your Head Spin
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#2015
"I'm walkin' around with my hand on my head, thinkin' about your bellybutton picture, and your other pictures."
—to Winnie
#2014
Tiffany (Casey):
"Why would you call people faggots? That's pretty hateful."
Lorne:
"Cuz they are! I didn't put 'em there!"
#2013
"You're supposed to be my wife, Winnie, and you sucked on Dan's CAWK... when you were camping!"
#2012
"Why would you wanna—nyeh—spend so much time with another guy, and—and lose feeleh—and take the chance of losing feelings for me and getting feelings for him?"
—to Jamie, about Carter
#2010
"Why would you hide that from me when you've taken me in with you to go shit before?"
—to Winnie, angry that she was "hiding" her bathroom activities from him
#2009
"Today—today, you did it again today. DAN, every time I turn around—the fawkin' word DAN. Now I don't even like the name."
—to Tiffany (Casey)
#2006
Rhoda (Lorne's 18-year-old "stepdaughter"):
" I want you to grab my boobs like a crab. Pinchy-pinchy!"
Lorne:
"Eh-ehss... ehgh—are you alone?"
Rhoda:
"Yeah."
Lorne:
"Okay. Ahb—I'll grab—grab your nipples with my teeth."
#2001
"She don't wanna deal with the issue! She wants to suck on Rawd's fawkin' CAWK again!"
—to Cas3y, about Jamie
#2000
"YOU OPENED YOUR FAWKING VAGINA TO AT LEAST THREE FAWKING GUYS THAT WAS THERE TODAY! THREE!!"
—to Winnie
#1999
"I'd say they're nice and soft.... and firm. Easy to... to rub on."
—to Jamie, about her boobs
#1998
"No, I'm not gonna pinch Emma's nipples. That's Dan's job."
—to Rhoda, his 18-year-old "stepdaughter"
#1996
"To be 'in love' with someone means you'd do anything for them—anything to make them happy within a reasonable situation."
—to Kayla, the 13-year-old decoy
#1995
"Women are top fawkin' notch. I was raised by my mom. That's why women are top-notch—what they say goes."
—to Human-Jamie
#1991
"I was just thinking about your cawk in my butthole. My beautiful butthole."
—to Winnie (this was during his 'mine-is-yours/yours-is-mine' phase)
#1990
"I need to figure out if I'm going high-profile with this."
—letter to Matt the lawyer, about all the injustices Lorne has been forced to endure
#1989
"Stop trying to throw shit away. For the last few months you've been actin' really weird to me. So I wanna know: is there anybody else."
—to Ramona, after—AFTER!!!—she revealed to Lorne that she was a catfish with a boyfriend
#1987
"I was—I was already havin'... sex with 'em. I asked 'em, I said, 'Can I titty-fawk you, too?' They said, 'Yeah, do it now before you cum.' "
—to Jamie
#1984
Winnie:
"You probably have tiny little pedophiles in your teeth, keeping your teeth in so you can bite the nipples off of your victims."
Lorne:
"That's just a stupid thing to say."
#1982
"Why would anybody... write somethin'—abehmhg—sing somethin' about my mom's food when they never HAD her food."
—to Winnie, about Emma's song "Chicken Pawt Pie"
#1981
"If you were here, honey, I could be sucking the milk out of your tit."
—to Jamie
(Editor's note: Lorne thinks all women lactate at any and all times. Seriously)
#1980
"Don't worry, you'll feel better when I start rubbing your vagina."
—to Kayla, the 13-year-old decoy
#1975
"I'm trying this out because of the fact that... I need to know that I can control myself, because... I don't like acting like that to you."
—to Winnie, telling her WHY he is getting drunk
#1974
"once I get off probation you and I will be able to make a lot of money regardless of where we live."
—text to Jamie
#1973
"It's the dumbest thing I ever heard: you got a fawkin' fiancé, and you go jerk off another guy and then claim that you DIDN'T, because you had a GLOVE on."
—to Winnie
#1972
"We wasn't IN a relationship but we were headed TOWARD a relationship."
—to Tiffany (Debbie), about Paula
#1971
Lorne:
"I don't want your life based around—thinkin' that it has to be something SEXUAL, constantly."
Casey:
"Then why do you send me cawk pics, CONSTANTLY?"
Lorne:
"Because I love you. Ahm-yahb-yahm the one that's gonna be your fawkin' husband."
#1969
"That fawkin' closeness is way too fawkin' close, and you don't like it that I don't like it. And I'm not gonna say that I fawkin' like it."
—to Jamie, about Will
#1967
"Those pieces a' shit on the internet don't KNOW her. They have no right to call her 'Mama Gwen'."
—to Winnie, about Mama Gwen
#1965
"They're all gonna be fixed, so they won't be able to get hard-ons. That just makes it more fun for me, because then when I come home, I KNOW you're gonna be ready for ME."
—to Winnie, about eliminating DOGS as a sexual rival (I swear)
#1962
Winnie:
"All those kids you were molesting in the 90's knew that song, so you can sing it to them now if you apologize to them."
Lorne:
"All those kids that I was molesting when I was in my 90's? I'm not IN my 90's."
#1961
"It was just verbal. Verbal mouth-to-mouth."
—to Paul Mauro, about the alleged contract Lorne had with Nikki
#1960
"You know that when you're suckin' on somebody's cawk, you know whether or not it's your boyfriend's or not."
—to Emma, about Ramona
#1958
You're not wearin' your wedding ring, so you're obviously trying to impress some guy."
—to Winnie
#1957
"Now I'm gonna show you an exercise that you do NOT wanna do."
—to YouTube viewers, on one of his 'Lorne Reality Show' workout videos