"You're tryin' awful fuckin' hard to break up with me, so you must have someone on the side."
—to Winnie
#1349
#1346
"Things would be a lot better when you do give them."
—to Tiffany (Casey), when she said she would not give him the compliments that he begs for
#1345
Lorne:
"Will you be my girlfriend?"
Jamie:
"No."
Lorne:
"Will you fucking marry me?"
Jamie:
"No."
Lorne:
"See? That's really how you wanna play this?"
#1344
"If you fuckin' love me you better fuckin' say yes, not fuckin' no. And you better not call me an ugly fuckin' pig, or a fuckin' pedophile, or any of your stupid fuckin' words that you're using, because they are not helping you or us!"
—to Winnie
#1343
"God I am fuckin hating you
right now! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuckin
cheater!!!!!!!!!!! I want to fuckin
puke!!!!!!!!!!"
—text to Ramona
#1342
"Ooooooh, yeahhhh, let me hear ya. I wanna fuck you right now."
—to Dan, who was making 'masturbating ghost' sounds (Lorne thought it was Casey)
#1341
"I don't care about how anybody feels about putting glitter on my dick or whatever—nyehh—if you don't like me not putting glitter on my dick, then you're not gonna want anything to do with me."
—to Tiffany (Casey)
#1339
"Okay, from now on, let your farts come out as they wanna come out. Don't try to push 'em."
—to Winnie
#1338
"[P]robation put a restriction that I cannot be on social media because of the attention surrounding me."
—to Cas3y
(Editor's note: Really, Lorne? THAT'S why you're not allowed on social media? You sure it's not because of ANYTHING ELSE you might have used the internet for? Moron)
#1337
"You're a fuckin' FEMALE, and you put some piece a' shit from the INTERNET above an ELDERLY PERSON!"
—Jamie, about Rawd and Mama Gwen
#1335
"Guess this week was the last fuckin
Vega show because you had the
doctors meat to swallow! !!!!!!!!
Fuckin piece of shit!!!!!!!!!
PAULA! !!!!!!!"
—text to Ramona
(Editor's note: I have no idea what "Vega show" means. Feel free to contact me and let me know, if you do)
#1334
"The biggest part of the reason that I'll do everyth—everything in my life the way that I do it, is probably because of you, because I want you."
—to Tiffany
#1333
Lorne:
"Are you saying that [Will's] dick is more appealing than mine??"
Jamie:
"More appealing to the general public."
Lorne:
"Thank you for correcting that."
#1331
"There was like 5 or 6 times that they caught me."
—to Human Jamie, about probation catching him drinking
#1330
"What did you do last night, Lorne? Oh, I was on the phone with my fiance while some guy was fuckin' waxin' her ass while she was in the hospital on a ventilator."
—to Will & Jamie
#1329
"Baby, you need to not be sticking things in your pussy that don't belong in there."
—to Winnie
#1326
"I just picture myself naked with Winnie forever."
—to Victor, referring to heaven, where Lorne thinks everyone is naked
#1325
"I'm trying to get her to give up the beak."
—to Matilda, about Winnie and her voodoo pigeon beak
#1324
"Okay, I'm gonna tell you ... if you hang up and go to fuckin' bed ... before we talk ... then all my apologies and my forgivenesses are done."
—to Emma
#1320
"I don't like that you laugh at me. That doesn't make me happy."
—to Tiffany (Casey), when she said she laughs at how pathetically desperate he is
#1318
"Jesus. Somethin's driving in my ass here. The fuckin' seat—under—under the cushion is fuckin' drivin' right in my ass, fuckin' hurtin' my cheekbone."
—to Winnie, about the seat in his trawk
#1317
Jamie:
"Why do you need a song to tell me whatever you want to say?"
Lorne:
"Because it explains it to you."
Jamie:
"And you can't?"
Lorne:
"I try but ... it's easier to sing it in a song."
#1315
"This dumb bitch don't know who she fucks with. My friends are gonna fuck her right up."
—to Emma & Ramona, about Nikki
#1314
"If you were here, hunnay, I'd put half of the apple slice in my mouth, and I'd go up to you so you could put the other half in your mouth, so our lips could touch and we'd kiss at the same time."
—to Winnie
#1313
"You want me to stop fuckin' lyin'? Stop tryin' to catch me in lies all the fuckin' time."
—to Jamie
#1306
"Eat it! But Jesus Christ, don't make it sound like it's a fuckin' cock that's more important than me!"
—to Winnie, when she was eating a lollipop
#1305
Lorne:
"Emma's my best friend and she's your best friend."
Casey:
"I never said she was my best friend. YOU said that."
Lorne:
"Well—ynnhgh—yeah, but you know she is. It's kind of obvious."
#1304
"baby i had a pimple on my butt last night and it hurt :( want to see it?"
—message to Kayla, the 13-year-old decoy
#1303
"I have no idea what risotto is."
—to Jamie, coming from someone who made cooking shows on his Youtube channel
#1298
"I had started growing feelings for Nikki, cuz I had spent so much time with her."
—to Human-Jamie, after she asked if the reason probation didn't like the relationship with Nikki was because she had children—classic deflection
#1297
Emma:
"Why would you tell Ramona I lost custody of my son? That's a pretty serious charge."
Lorne:
"Ahehhheh—because I was trying to be an asshole."
#1296
"All you're trying to do is find things to bitch about. Wouldn't you rather say loving things?"
—to Winnie
#1295
"I'm 'bullshit' cuz I don't like my fiancé sittin' on some guy's PANTIES—suh-sittin' on some guy's shoulders with no fuckin' panties on!"
—to Jamie
#1294
"Ralph thinks about Ralph. Laurie thinks about Laurie. Paul thinks about Paul. It's all they care about."
—to Tiffany, once again blaming his siblings for his "ring of downfall"
#1292
"Who's the 'golden child?' Well, before I fucked up, it was me."
—to Cas3y, when discussing his siblings
#1290
"That is so fuckin' disgusting it's unbelievable."
—to Ramona, about his mother being recorded and put on the internet
#1289
"She wants to play fuckin' dumbass? I'll play fuckin' dumbass."
—to Winnie, about Tiffany (Debbie)
#1287
"He's never even shot a gun, except for when he was in the National Guard."
—to Cas3y, about Roy
#1285
"Luh-luh-let me explain this to you. If you think your bein' subtle about shit, you might wanna think twice, cuz I'm very good at reading fuckin' subtle bullshit.
—to Emma
#1284
"I don't wanna let go of your voice yet."
—to Kayla, the 13-year-old decoy, when she wanted to get off the phone to take a shower
#1283
Winnie:
"Would you divorce me if I was caught on To Catch A Predator?"
Lorne:
"No, [but] I would be very disappointed."
Winnie:
"Why? Because I was cheating on you, or because I was fucking a little boy?"
Lorne:
"Because you're cheating on me."
#1282
Lorne:
"When I was 17 ... the first time I went out ... I went to the restaurant ... and I actually had my picture taken with PeeWee Herman. I couldn't believe that."
Jamie:
"You met PeeWee?"
Lorne:
"Yup. Ehnghg—it was actually a PeeWee Herman representative. It was—it was ... one of the guys that ... dressed up like PeeWee Herman. For PeeWee Herman."
#1281
"The only reason he has so much notoriety is because of Faith Hill."
—to Tiffany (Casey), about country singer Tim McGraw (Lorne thinks notoriety simply means famous)
#1280
"They don't want you on probation for the rest of your life. Especially when you're doing good and they can see you got your shit straight."
—to Jamie, assuring her that he will soon get off probation, even though he went BACK to prison for a PROBATION VIOLATION
#1279
"I loved the attention that we gave each other."
—to Cas3y, explaining what he loved about Paula
#1278
"I want your cock in my butt."
—to Winnie (not a typo—this was his yours-is-mine/mine-is-yours phase)
#1277
"It means talking shit about someone else to get on the good side of another person."
—to Jamie, when she asked what 'manipulation' means
#1275
"When I'm talking to you like the way I'm talking to you now, I've never lied to you."
— to Jamie
#1274
"So fuckin much for trusting you!!!!!!!!!!
5 months shot to fuckin
hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
—text to Ramona
#1271
Lorne:
"You tell me that I'm attracted to kids. You even convinced me that I'm attracted to 'em."
Cas3y:
"How did I convince you you were attracted to kids? It says it on a piece of paper."
Lorne:
"Yeah, from 2 years ago."
#1270
Casey:
"It's not about you, Lorne."
Lorne:
"It's about US! It's about US!"
—referring to the abuse SHE suffered as a child
#1268
"Do you want to be pregnant with someone's baby that you don't love?"
—to Jamie (this guy's sentence structure hurts my brain—is he saying she won't love the baby?)
#1267
"Oh, there ya go. Askin' for somebody else's fuckin' Skittles."
—to Winnie, when she asked someone for some candy
#1265
"Know what my favorite thing on you is? Besides your vagina, your butt and your boobs..."
—message to Kayla, the 13-year-old decoy
#1264
[Tiffany tells Lorne about someone she knew who quit smoking by chewing gum instead.....]
Lorne:
"I tried to quit smoking once ... by—with candy, by suckin' on candy. Eghhgn—this is—you're gonna get a git—get a good laugh outta this one. Uncle Clayt still laughs about it today. But ... the mil—ahp—the place—wah—Clark's Milk, where I used to work for ... well—I'bmna—I'd go to the—it's the biggest farm in Maine, we used to get milk from there. Mmnhnn—the dad—nnghgn—Butch Clark, he died——"
Tiffany:
"Okay, so what's with the candy??? You're fucking killing me over here."
#1263
"Because my head wasn't screwed on right at the time. I was all messed up at the time."
—to Human-Jamie, about why he was interested in Nikki, who HE claimed was a terrible person (using the exact line he used for why he tried to molest a kid)
#1262
"I weren't the Valentine that you wanted. That's why when I asked you to be my Valentine you called it 'kid stuff'."
—to Jamie
#1260
Lorne:
"You're making a big deal out of something that is NOT a big deal!"
Jamie:
"You're the one making a big deal."
Lorne:
"Goddamn, it IS a big deal to me, Jamie!"
#1259
"My aunt does genealogy and she found out we're related to Abraham Lincoln [...] I'm very proud of that."
—to Ramona
Abe gets the news
#1258
"Why do you find an issue with her being a friend to me, when if it wasn't for me, you would not have her for a best friend?"
—to Winnie, about Emma
#1257
"People with my voice is—are not a dime a dozen, there's only one of me."
—to Tiffany (Casey), trying to convince her that his singing is special
#1256
Human-Jamie:
"Unemployed, sitting around the house, a month out of prison, and all you've got to do is take cock pics and send them to me? What the fuck?"
Lorne:
"Ahaahhhhhh-I like you.”
#1252
"I was squeezin' my butt cheeks, and I was holdin' my ass, and I was walkin' REALLY funny. "
—to Tiffany, about the time he unknowingly ate a bag of laxatives
#1251
"I'm gonna send her a letter and I'm gonna tell her, if I hear any more about her saying any more stupid shit about me, then she can consider herself paid in full with the entertainment she gets off of me."
—to Winnie, about Betty, the elderly lady he stole $30,000 from
#1250
Lorne:
"I love you."
Kayla, the 13-year-old decoy:
"I love you too."
Lorne:
"You betterehhnghhghg!"
#1249
"It takes two. I'm not blaming YOU—we BOTH play a part in it."
—to Jamie, about his abusiveness
#1247
"Nikki wasn't scared. Nikki wasn't scared. Nikki had planned all that shit out. Nikki did all that shit on purpose. Nikki was a bitch."
—to Human-Jamie, about the woman Lorne harassed and stalked, resulting in her filing a restraining order against him
#1245
"Sylvester Stallone wanted to do a project with me, Shania Twain wanted to use my story to write a song, and Faith Hill is saying that everybody is rootin' for me in Nashville ... it's just a lot."
—to Tiffany, naming just some of the celebrities that are supporting him
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The Holy Trinity of Country Music
#1244
"Isn't it convenient that for 10 months you fucked with my head. Isn't it convenient that you both are atheists."
—to Ramona, about Emma
#1243
"My butt itches .... .... .... .... wanna come scratch it for me?"
—message to Kayla, the 13-year-old decoy
#1242
Winnie:
"There's no US."
Lorne:
"Yeah, there is. There always will be. And neither one of us wanna let go of each other."
#1239
"I could TELL you weren't playing with me! You got CLOSE to me!"
—to Ramona, AFTER he found out she was a catfish
#1238
"At least you get to see it. I don't get to see you."
—to Tiffany (Casey), referring to the daily penis pictures he sends
#1237
"If your cat's not stupid why did it come over and fart in your face and then leave?"
—to Winnie
#1236
"Like mom and Aunt Sharon. I try to do things that they need—they need done, cuz they don't have anybody else to do it for 'em."
—to Jamie, explaining how he "gives back to society"
—to Jamie, explaining how he "gives back to society"
#1235
"My answer was honest. But the problem—wuhmmuh—with the whole thing was—was that ... mmgh—the guy—tuhhh—when you take a polygraph it—ehng—he—the guy has it—reads—the thing and he—he takes a long time reading it. Well, there's a big window there and it's a—it's a yellow room, with the big window and the way the light was shining in there, it was hittin' my eye—hitting my eyes and made my eyes tired. And I told the guy that my eyes was getting tired. But he still took a long time. Then my eyes started to close, and when he—when my eyes got—gegghgh geh—just closed, he popped out a question, and I answered the question fast. But, when he pop out the question—popped out the question, it jumped my heart. And that's what triggered the polygraph."
—to Human-Jamie, about why he failed the polygraph that led to him going back to prison
#1233
"Not a word from you today! !!!!! You
fucked horse!!!!!! I want to fuckin
puke PAULA! !!!!!!!!!!!!!"
—text to Ramona (not a typo)
#1231
"I woulda got one with her name on it but I'm not going to until I know my name is on her pussy."
—to Emma, about Casey getting a tattoo of Lorne's name
#1229
"That's my girl. Beat that pussy."
—to Dan, who was making 'masturbating ghost' sounds (Lorne thought it was Casey)
#1228
"Listen. I am going to marry YOU. And you are not going to be fuckin' poor. I am going to fuckin' make it in music, one way or the other."
—to Tiffany (Casey)
#1227
Winnie:
"I'm sucking a lollipop. It's a Blow Pop, there's gum in the middle."
Lorne:
"I wish you were suckin' MY pop."
#1226
"I was trying to be a gentleman and let her get over her ex-fiance. And I didn't realize I was being a gentleman for too long."
—to Jamie, about Paula
#1224
"I know you cheated on me from the way you're acting!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What a fucking loser!!!!!!!!!"
—text to Ramona
#1223
"Can't keep your fucking ass to home ... even if you're on the phone with me and Wendy and Tony tonight, that would been a whole lot more than you bein' at some goddamn stupid fucking club trying to get laid."
—to Winnie (not a typo)
#1222
"I wish I could squeeze your tits. I wish I could suck on your tits. And lick your nipples. Did you have any milk come out?"
—to Jamie
(Editor's note: Lorne thinks all women lactate at any and all times. Seriously)
#1221
"I'm lyin' my ass off to you now and I'm being honest about it."
—to Tiffany, when she caught him lying about Silent Rick, the designated driver that didn't exist
#1216
"No, she doesn't ask for them. It's just I love her and I want her to be happy. Even though I'm scared to death of it, I want her to be happy and I want to give her what she wants."
—to Emma, about why he sends nude photos to Winnie, and his fear of probation finding out
#1215
Cas3y:
"So you were attracted to kids 2 years ago."
Lorne:
"Yeah. Doesn't mean that I'm attracted to 'em now."
#1214
"You shouldn't be flashing for any
less than a hundred bucks!"
—to Jamie, regarding his
brilliant money-making plan:
brilliant money-making plan:
Jamie flashing her breasts online
#1211
"I have something to give to the fuckin' world. And it certainly wasn't fuckin' To Catch A Predator."
—to Tiffany (Casey), about his singing aspirations
#1209
Winnie:
"Right now there is NOTHING that I wanna work on with you."
Lorne:
"Yeah, there is, because you still love me too."
#1208
"The reason that you kept Will around—couldn't fuckin' be without Will ... Will's your BEST MAN—the one that shaves your ASSHOLE."
—to Jamie
#1207
"If you turn out to be another fuckin' Emma, I will find you and I will puke on you!"
—voicemail to Ramona
—voicemail to Ramona
#1206
"I'm not thinkin' about, Whose cock is she fuckin' feelin'?"
—to Tiffany (Casey), about how much more secure he feels with her, as opposed to Winnie
#1205
"I swear to God, Casey, I'm trying to be as honest as I possibly can, and then some."
—to Cas3y
#1204
"No matter what, me and you got through and how—how mad and upset we get with each other, don't ever threaten to take you away from me."
—to Winnie, after learning she had threatened to commit suicide the previous night
#1203
"She ran your name. There is no 'Jamie Bootay'."
—to Jamie, about his probation officer Stacey running a check on Jamie's name
#1202
"You're scaring the living shit right outta me. Why are you leaving me hanging and not calling me?"
—voicemail to Ramona
#1200
"Yeah, and you'll be able to have Will's COCK up your cunt any time you want. How fortunate, huh?"
—to Jamie, about a scenario where Lorne never speaks to her again
#1198
"She couldn't fuckin' send me a text earlier sayin' something decent? The only fuckin' text I got from her is: 'I'M FARTING.' ... That's fuckin' special."
—to Emma, about Casey
#1197
"Hey, don't worry, girl! I know you wanna fuckin' wrap your lips around that fuckin' piece of shit's COCK!"
—to Ramona, about the Doctor
#1196
"Yeah, well, a twink, a flock, a fuckin' twitch—I don't want you doin' that in front of Dan."
—to Tiffany (Casey), when she asked if he knew what a twink was
#1190
"Oh yeah, I'm a psychopath because I have 100% of me invested in you, just to find out that you like this fuckin' guy."
—to Cas3y
#1189
"The guy encouraged me to hit the fuckin' notes that I didn't even know that I could hit, and I hit the fuckin' notes—the same notes Steve Perry hit."
—to Tiffany (Casey)
Editor's note: Please feel free to compare these two vocalists:
1. Steve Perry — Oh Sherrie
2. Lorne Armstrong — Somewhere Out There
#1187
"But at least you have horse dink!!!!!
Fuckin asshole!!!!!!!!!
PAULA!!!!!!!!!!!
Ughhhhh!!!!!!!!
Fuckin lying piece of shit
PAULA!!!!!!!!"
—text to Ramona
#1185
"You better not talk about your fuckin' penis to my woman, I'll fuckin'—I'll beat your goddamn ass."
—to Roy
#1182
"If you're gonna make me out to be a bad guy for givin' you Beanie Babies, that's fucked up."
—to Jamie
#1181
"I texted her right after she texted 'I'M FARTING.' Told her—I said, 'I wanna fuck you.'"
—to Emma, about Casey
#1175
"I'm a good-lookin' guy, I already know that. It doesn't matter if my belly sticks out a little bit. Which my belly doesn't even stick out."
—to Tiffany
#1174
"Still shutting me the fuck out
because horse dink is shoved down
your cheating throat????????!!!!!!!"
—text to Ramona
#1066
"I lost my hair because—I got that from my uncles."
—to Winnie
(Editor's note: Lorne thinks he inherited baldness from his uncles)
#1172
"Of course he left some piece of clothing behind ... so you could sleep with it."
—to Winnie, about Eric
#1171
"How can you be interested in putting a bet on when someone's gonna die, and not interested in something that I'm doing here."
—to Cas3y, when she said she's not interested in the mundane details of his day
#1169
Lorne:
"You gonna talk or is that cock still there?"
Winnie:
"There's no cock."
Lorne:
"Ennahh no-ehhnhg—I don't believe it with the way you're acting cuz you never fuckin' called me back."
#1168
"I'm upset because I planned on basing my life around Winnie, and we had fuckin' plans."
—to Susan, about Winnie's terminal illness
#1165
"Manufactured stuff is always easy to prove."
—to the Therapist, when the Therapist said he could prove every allegation he made against Lorne
#1162
"Am I making you blush?"
—to Kayla, the 13-year-old decoy, after he told her that if they were together she'd be naked
#1161
"It was a dining hall at the bar—at the same place that the bar was at. Then we went to the bar, which was at the bar—at that same bar. It's just one room was the dining room and the other was the bar."
—to Jamie, about his date with Brandy
#1160
"It's not gonna be whenever you feel like it, cuz it's gonna have to be soon."
—to Tiffany (Casey), telling her when she has to discuss the abuse that happened to HER as a child
#1159
Cas3y:
"You have a history of this behavior. You talked about being boyfriend and girlfriend with those two kids."
Lorne:
"I know I did."
—about Molly and Mellissa.
#1158
"Yeah, well, that fucking bitch can get a job."
—to Ramona, about Betty, the elderly woman he stole $30,000 from who was saying negative things about him online (as told by Ramona before a call)
#1156
"Hunny, I'm not sure I can take a pic without my pecker being seen."
—text to Jamie, when she asked for a picture of his weight on his bathroom scale
#1155
"I never wanted to go there. Fuck, I've always fuckin'—I've always cared about kids. Why I ever fuckin' went there I don't know."
—to Tiffany, about going to the sting house
#1154
"Shawn and the polygrapher have been doing this shit for years."
—to Cas3y, about how his probation officer and polygrapher have been lying about him
#1153
"I don't consider that a woman. I consider that a witch. That's why she likes octopus and she likes spiders. So she can tangle people up in their web."
—to Ramona, about Emma
#1152
[said while sobbing like a toddler] "I give her my heart and she says something like that, and it just blows me away."
—to Emma, about Winnie, when she says she loves Dan
#1151
"Please say yes and put us back together where we belong."
—text to Jamie, after proposing to her on the phone
#1149
"If you mention Xavier Von Erck I'm gonna get angry, because he's a child molester."
—to Tiffany (Lorne brought up Xavier, not her)
#1147
"I think ... I think it's on my grandfather's side."
—to Ramona, when she asked how he's related to Abraham Lincoln
#1145
"You hear them words, Winnie? Listen to them words, Winnie."
—referring to the New Kids On The Block song "Please Don't Go Girl"
#1144
"I'm gonna say this right out straight so there's no mistake about it: Would you be my woman."
—to Tiffany (Debbie)
#1143
"And you have the place ... to say that my 81-year-old mother ... did a poor job of raising 6 kids?"
—to Cas3y (Lorne, whose counselors tell him he needs to REPARENT himself, is defending his mother's parenting record)
#1142
"And you flirted with him after he called me a fuckin' loser!"
—to Ramona, about the Therapist
#1141
Lorne:
"IT IS WHAT IT IS isn't the best thing to say."
Jamie:
"Why?"
Lorne:
"Because it's just trying to rub it in. It's like puttin' your thumb on it and brr—it's like puttin' your thumb on a blueberry and grinding it right in."
#1140
"I didn't hang up on you. I would never hang up on you. You're too much of a sweetheart."
—to Kayla, the 13-year-old decoy
#1138
"You know I'm smart, you know you love me, you know you wanna ... fuck my butthole."
—to Winnie
#1137
"I left the state because everybody was using me to the point that I couldn't think—I couldn't think straight at all."
—to Cas3y
#1135
"If you're pregnant, yes, I will be the baby's dad, and I will love it because it's a part of you ... ... Let's just hope you're not pregnant."
—to Jamie
#1133
"When am I gonna fuckin' mean something to you?! How long do I have to fuckin' wait to mean something to you?!"
—to Tiffany
#1131
"Just had to stand in front of a microphone and start singin'."
—to Cas3y, about how he was able to get so many women
#1129
"So, you know, we gotta be ... really careful about doing this."
—to Kayla, the 13-year-old decoy
#1128
"[Winnie] knew I wasn't what NBC put out. You're basing things around what NBC put out."
—to Tiffany
#1127
"Actually talking to one of your family members, I'm more nervous than I would be talking to... ... ... Abraham Lincoln."
—to Ramona, about speaking to her brother (Bro)
#1126
"I loved the attention that she gave to me and I loved the attention that I gave to her."
—to Casey, about Paula, and how he knew he loved her
#1125
"You have been verbally abusive to me about Dan, and you wanting his cock inside of you."
—to Winnie
#1123
"As long as the bat that you use is gonna be your tits, you can grand slam me all you want."
—to Jamie
#1122
"Rick won't talk to anybody [...] That's the way that Rick is. Some people are like that—they don't even talk. Rick's one of 'em that doesn't even talk. He talks very little."
—to Tiffany, when she asked for Lorne's designated driver to say hello, so she could confirm he actually existed—he did not
#1121
"You're not trying to get involved in MY life, because you don't like trucking—dehhnnghg—you don't like trucking, you don't know anything about it—well, no shit, but, why not learn something about it? GET interested."
—to Cas3y, who wasn't interested enough in Lorne's day-to-day life
#1120
"I'm not gonna hold you while you take a shit. You can take a shit, then I'll hold you."
—to Winnie
#1117
"What a fuckin' worthless piece a' shit. She never used to be so worthless."
—to Tiffany, about Wendy, Tony's wife
#1116
"They have to separate themselves from their clients, whether they like them or not. He doesn't have a biased opinion."
—to Ramona, about the Therapist
(Editor's note: Yes, Lorne thinks 'biased' means 'unbiased')
#1110
"Product of European ... ... mango somethin' ... mango mang .... "
—to YouTube viewers, when he was trying to figure out what fruit he was holding (it was mango)
#1108
"I wanna make you happy and I wanna care about you. I want my life to be based around you."
—to Tiffany
#1106
"I'm gonna love it when you're here and your cock will be in my mouth."
—to Winnie (not a typo)
#1105
"She was ... she was ... a potential girlfriend that wasn't really a girlfriend that was working on being boyfriend and girlfriend, then she wound up hooking up with some other guy that she didn't even really want, she just used to ... to have sex with."
—to Cas3y, about Paula
#1104
"Listen, you can think about this: I came out to get more coffee, and my cock is hard and flopping all around."
—to Jamie
#1103
"Find a FEMALE therapist. That way, you're gonna walk in there and know that she's not lookin' at you in any sexual way or any 'I-want-her' kinda way."
—to Ramona
#1102
Lorne:
"They asked if I had anything to drink."
Tiffany:
"And you said no?"
Lorne:
"Yeah ... I don't even drink that much."
—about why he failed his polygraph
#1100
"Cas3y, you were so fuckin' manipulatin' today and you've been being—banim—manipulating just to get to Jamie."
—to Cas3y
#1098
"Yuh, I've got a helluva family."
—to Bro
(Editor's note: He did NOT mean this in the positive sense)
#1096
"If they're black people, leave 'em alone, don't say anything bad. If they're Mexicans, don't say anything bad, leave 'em right alone."
—to Winnie
#1095
"Emma, I'm gonna let you talk to her cuz she doesn't want me. She just wants to dick around."
—to Emma, about Winnie
#1094
"I need Allie back—I need to be able to talk to Allie again. Allie's beautiful, but she's married—she's married to a cop and she talked to me about her life and—oh my God, Allie just—she's just so fuckin' perfect."
—to Tiffany, about Allie, his counselor
#1092
"I don't want a woman that's gonna be constantly on fucking COKE, drooling over some other guy's fucking cock."
—to Winnie
#1091
Lorne:
"I don't have a problem admitting when I'm wrong. And I don't have a problem apologizing for it. Even to another guy."
Cas3y:
"Even to another guy?"
Lorne:
"Yeah, because a lot of times guys have problems admitting they're wrong to each other."
#1090
"I've fallen even further in love with you with this pic, hunnay. I didn't think it was possible, but I have, and I'm still crying because of it."
—to Jamie, after she sent a new picture
#1089
"I didn't realize how much she loves me."
—said while crying like a bitch to Emma, about Winnie
#1088
Ramona:
"You were 25 when Paula cheated on you?"
Lorne:
"Yeah, and it still hurts me to this day."
Ramona:
"Paula cheating on you still hurts you?"
Lorne:
"Yeah, cuz I gave her all my trust."
(Editor's note: Paula did NOT cheat on him, they were NOT dating)
#1087
"I'm actually fun if Jamie would let me have some fun moments. She'd be the—she'd see the funner side of me."
—to Will (not a typo—he said 'funner')
#1086
"I'm listenin', Jamie! Spit it out!"
—may be one of the most egregious statements he's ever made, that squeaking, stuttering, mumbling prick
#1085
Cas3y:
"She probably never thinks about you."
Lorne:
"Oh, no, I know she does."
—about Paula, a woman he had not dated whom he had known for only 6 months, 25 years prior
#1084
"My mom's dad—on his side of the family, I think. Which would explain my grandfather's nose, and my mom's nose. And my brother's nose. And my uncle's nose."
—to Ramona, explaining how he's related to Abraham Lincoln
#1083
"You don't think it's gonna bother her, when she's standin' there, Will's got his fuckin' pants down, you're tellin' him that he has a big beautiful COCK, and she has to FART to get your fuckin' attentions because you two are starin' at each other?!!"
—to Jamie, about Will and Winnie (not a typo—he said "attentions")
#1082
"'YA DID, YA DO is fuckin' retarded. And it came from Will!"
—to Cas3y, about a saying that actually came from Lorne
#1081
Winnie:
"Everything's gonna be okay. We just don't need to be boyfriend and girlfriend."
Lorne:
"Yeah, we do, and you KNOW we do."