"I'm not being sneaky, I'm da'ahh-I was being honest. I—I used to. Today was 'used to.' Today is not 'used to.' Yesterday was past tense."
—to Cas3y, when he claimed he "used to" smoke inside his trailer, only to admit he did so the previous day
An Archive Of Utterances By A Man So Smart It Will Make Your Head Spin
#1520
#1515
"I just wanted to hear your sexy voice, and in order to hear your sexy voice I had to call your voicemail. So there ya go."
—voicemail to Tiffany (Debbie)
#1514
"I don't give a fuck! I don't need her to get online and say a bunch of stupid shit about me!"
—to Winnie, about Betty, the elderly lady he stole $30,000 from
#1512
"It jumped my heart and that's what made the needle bounce."
—to Human-Jamie, about failing a polygraph
#1511
"I called your number and the guy said my name. My WHOLE name. Who's the guy that answered your phone?!"
—to Winnie, when Lorne heard HIS OWN VOICEMAIL in the background
#1510
"I wonder if Donkey Kong would build you a walk-in closet and a house the way you want it and share his life with you life like I want to."
—to Jamie
#1509
"They don't wanna put me in jail because they know I have a lot to lose, and I've been—that I do good. Been working and... putting into society. "
—to Tiffany (Casey)
#1507
Lorne:
"I'm honest with you when you catch me in a lie, that's the difference"
Jamie:
"You aren't."
Lorne:
"Eventually I am."
#1506
Lorne:
"Too fuckin' bad, asshole."
Winnie:
"You know what? You're gonna fuckin' regret that when I'm DEAD."
Lorne:
"Well, you're gonna regret THAT when you come knockin' on my door in heaven."
#1503
"My sexual fantasy is making love... with a woman I'm in love with... in a stream—in a stream, in a brook. With a waterfall."
—to Winnie
#1500
"You're a fuckin' FEMALE, and you put some piece a' shit from the internet above an ELDERLY PERSON!"
—to Jamie, about Mama Gwen and Rawd
#1499
"I wouldn't say that I'm extremely insecure at all. I would say that I'm intelligent, and have learned from fuckin' other people's dumbasses."
—to Tiffany (Casey)
#1498
"Why couldn't you teach her this is NOT someone that you do sexual stuff with?! This is NOT someone you do sexual stuff with—this is your DAD?!"
—to Winnie, blaming her for his and Rhoda's sexual relationship
#1497
"I want to apologize to you... for being such a... baby bitch last night. I'm so sorry. S'not the way I wanted to act."
—voicemail to Debbie
#1494
"I've got a feeling that you're gonna pay close attention to my mom because you never had a mom and I think you're extremely curious."
—Tiffany (Casey)
#1491
Lorne:
"I'm so tired of this Dan bullshit."
Tiffany (Casey):
"You're creating it, do you realize that? That you're creating it?"
Lorne:
"I'm creating it because YOU created it."
#1490
"What's this crap about you wanting to come up here and kill me so we die together?"
—to Winnie
#1489
"It's a toss-up between Debbie and Rhoda. I don't want Winnie anymore."
—to Dan, saying he's torn between being with his girlfriend's sister and his girlfriend's newly-18-year-old daughter
#1488
"I hate being shut out, and you're shutting me out. You need to stop shutting me out."
—voicemail to Debbie
#1486
"Apparently I'll be saving that ring for someone else because you want to run when the pressure to be real is on. Run! Run! Run!"
—text to Jamie
#1484
"If I send you these clips of me singing Open Arms [...] don't make fun of me because I am literally working my ass off to hit the notes and being myself."
—email to Cas3y
#1483
"I know you have the ringer off so whoever you're with doesn't hear it!"
—text to Nikki, on the day Lorne made 38 calls to her between 2:30PM and 9:00PM, plus multiple texts, leading her to file a restraining order against him
#1482
"It seems like you're mad over something that I don't know what you're mad about."
—voicemail to Tiffany (Debbie)
#1481
Lorne:
"God is God."
Winnie:
"You can't use a word to define itself."
Lorne:
"Yeah, you can on 'at one."
#1480
Lorne:
"I'm sorry you got mad at me to the point that you didn't want to spend any time with me. I don't LIKE that. But I'm not sorry for being mad—enmmgh—or jealous about—."
Jamie:
"That's you blaming me and not taking ownership of your actions."
Lorne:
Oh, Jesus fucking Christ .... .... .... I am taking ownership of my actions, right now. I'm SORRY that I got—emgmem—that you got mad to the point where you didn't want to spend time with me. That SUCKS."
Jamie:
"That's not taking ownership."
Lorne:
"It IS taking ownership!"
#1479
"I was tossin' my head back and forth of what to do."
—to Dan, about Lorne deciding whether or not to keep dating Winnie
#1473
"Jamie would call my mother stupid just because I told her my mother came before her. Since the time I told her my mother comes before her, she's called my mother stupid."
—email to Cas3y
#1471
"I'm trying to be more of a dad-figure to her, and she's just... she's fuckin' hot."
—to Dan, about why Lorne is having phone conversations with Rhoda
—to Dan, about why Lorne is having phone conversations with Rhoda
#1470
"I'm sorry for being a bitch today, okay? I know I'm your bitch anyway. But I'm sorry for being bitchy."
—voicemail to Tiffany (Debbie)
#1468
"You two are WOMEN. Why would you talk about somebody's MOTHER?"
—to Jamie & Cas3y, who were making jokes about Mama Gwen
#1467
"I'm not gonna say that I don't have feelings for your sister because there's somethin' about your sister that I do have feelings for."
—to Winnie, about Debbie
#1465
"I'm trying so hard so that we don't get into a sexual thing because of your age. I really want—it's very difficult because you are very beautiful."
—to Rhoda, his girlfriend's 18-year-old daughter
#1463
"Gave my fuckin' heart to somebody that doesn't even want to be fucking real."
—Tiffany (Casey)
#1462
Jamie:
"You're the one that keeps mentioning Will."
Lorne:
"Because you keep him right there in my head."
#1461
"You don't need to yell at her. Try being nice, and say, 'Rhoda, will you please let the baby suck on your tit so that it can feed?' "
—to Winnie
#1460
"I just got a call that came up as a California number and it said California under the number."
—email to Cas3y
#1458
"I'm not gonna masturbate in the damn truck. This isn't California, this is Maine."
—to Human-Jamie
#1457
"When you rest your stomach in the water, it lets the insides of your stomach just float and not... not be tight."
—to Jamie, explaining how baths help with a bad stomach
#1456
"Even if—ehh—even if you have your period I still want my cock inside you unless—ehh—unless it winds up—you think it's gonna give you cramps."
—to Winnie
#1455
"I don't know what I want. You hurt me when you knew I held you high. I'm confused right now."
—text to Tiffany (Debbie)
#1454
"You can't go off doin' wild stuff anymore because you've got the baby and you've gotta take care of that baby. If you don't take care of that baby and the state comes and takes it from you, that's gonna look... bad."
—to Rhoda
#1453
"I'm tryin' to get my head straight, get my ass straight—everything that I gotta get goin' straight."
—to Winnie
#1452
"I weren't dead last."
—to Jamie, about his placement in his graduating class, which was 87th place out of 87 students—dead last. (I just found his word choice amusing considering he's defending his level of education)
#1444
"I have never believed in a woman as much as I believed in you! And that includes Paula!"
—text to Tiffany (Debbie)
#1443
"I SENT YOU A PICTURE OF MY FUCKIN' COCK! YOU NEVER EVEN FUCKIN' SAWR IT! GUESS WHY! CUZ WILL'S GOT HIS HEAD UP YOUR FUCKIN' ASS, JAMIE! IM SO GODDAMN TIRED OF THIS SHIT!!"
#1440
"Honey, if you were... if you were in your mid-20s, I would love for you to swallow my meat. I would stick my meat in you. Very, very easily."
—to Rhoda, his girlfriend's 18-year-old daughter, who referred to him as her "daddy"
#1438
"I seriously have never found a better fuckin' worker. Never seen a better fuckin' workuler—worker than him."
—to Winnie, about Roy (yes, he said "workuler")
#1437
Jamie:
"You are a fucking child. Can you stop being so pathetic?"
Lorne:
"Don't know if I can or not. Depends on what fucked up bullshit is gonna happen next."
#1436
"I've had you on a pedastool since I first met you and now I don't know what to think or feel."
—text to Tiffany (Debbie) [not a typo]
#1435
"The bubbles help your sinuses. Because when they pop, it... spurts out clean air."
—to Will, about how he takes bubble baths to cure his sinus issues
#1433
"We're really not even a couple now but we know that we want to be."
—email to Cas3y, about Jamie
#1431
Lorne:
"What colorrrr... panties and bra?"
Kayla:
"White."
Lorne:
"You're gonna wear white until you see me, huh?"
Kayla:
"Yeah. I said I would."
Lorne:
"I love you."
#1430
"I got daddy by the balls cuz I know the name of his company."
—to Tiffany (Casey), about her dad Paul
#1429
Lorne:
"I don't think you should keep the baby."
Jamie:
"Why?"
Lorne:
"Because it wasn't conceived out of love."
#1428
"I'd rather you blow my cock ... in person. That would be more fun. Or I should say YOUR cock. It's yours. Definitely yours."
—to Winnie
#1427
"When it comes time to gettin' you real, you're runnin' like a wildcat."
—to Jamie (not a typo)
#1425
"It helps me to know that you love me, and it makes me want to do things more for you."
—to Tiffany (Casey), trying to convince her that giving him compliments will be beneficial to their relationship
#1424
"You might not believe in Valentine's Day, but I do. You might think it's kid stuff—I don't, because it's one day where I get to do stuff with you that—and treat you really nice and give you roses and, you know, take you out to dinner and stuff—it's just a special day."
—to Jamie
#1422
"There's other ones that I'm positive that I like that I don't even know about."
—to Cas3y, when trying to name his favorite restaurants
#1420
"Wanna lay down and spread your legs and have me stick my penis inside of you?"
—to Kayla, the 13-year-old decoy
#1419
"If I were shitting outside would you get on google earth and try to watch me?"
—text to Tiffany (Debbie)
#1418
"I'd build my fire pit and build my fire in my fire pit and I'd continue drinkin'. Just the heat from the fire and standing in the fire helped take out a lot of—a lot of anger and frustration and ... it helped me to—havin' a fire helped me a lot."
—to Jamie, about how he dealt with his anger after being released from prison
#1416
Human-Jamie:
"The amount of cock pics you sent today—I counted, like, 5."
Lorne [laughing]:
"You would have counted about 8 if I had taken a couple others."
#1415
"It's stayin' in there and I just gotta keep pokin' it in the head until you say it's gonna come out."
—to Jamie, about having sex while she's pregnant (Yes, he's referring to hitting the baby with his penis)
#1413
Cas3y:
"That is really weird. You haven't even met me, so I don't know how you think you know those things about me."
Lorne:
"Casey, are you forgetting that I sat across from you at the sting house?"
#1410
"I didn't even realize that I had feelings for her until she told me she loved me."
—to Winnie, about Debbie
#1409
"From now on, no more fucking dogs."
—to Rhoda (Editor's note: "fucking" is a verb in that quote)
#1407
Lorne:
"Do you want [the doctor] or do you want me?!"
Ramona:
"You."
Lorne:
"Then get his fuckin' ass in here—in that same room as you, and fuckin' get him right there wi—I want you right there, and him right there, and I want you to say that!"
#1406
"You're FUCKING cheating on me! Don't FUCKING tell me you're not! You lyin' fuckin' piece a' shit. That's why you're not answerin' the fuckin' phone."
—to Winnie
#1405
"YOU'RE THE FUCKING VICTIM!!! BUT YOU HAVE NOT SPOKE UP FOR YOURSELF IN HOW MANY YEARS!!!"
—to Tiffany (Casey), screaming at her about the abuse SHE suffered as a child
#1402
"Now about our special date. I was thinking that I could cut the tip of a condom off, put the condom on, then the pecker pouch over that. Then we can have our phone sex [...] then if you wanna see it, I can show you. I'll have your pic right under my cock, too. Is it a date, my love?"
—text to Jamie
#1401
"Well you shouldn't skip over [my emails]. Mine are important. Plus i'm a good looking guy that calls you a beautiful lady lol"
—email to Cas3y
#1399
"No, we are not breaking up. We've come too far and we're getting too close to being together. Wuh-wuh—we are worth staying together."
—to Winnie
#1395
Jamie:
"We are done, Lorne."
Lorne:
"No, we're not fuckin' done! Don't give me that fuckin' horseshit!"
#1394
"If anyone knew we were talking to each other the tabloids would have a field day."
—email to Cas3y
#1390
"Dan's gonna be here and Dan and Emma are gonna be with Dan and Emma and you and me are gonna be with you and me."
—to Tiffany (Casey)
#1388
"You're tryn'a impress yourself cuz you think it's a smart thing to say when you know it's not."
—to Cas3y
#1387
"I don't want us to go through our marriage with you trying to make me jealous of other guys. That's not somethin' we need to have on our backs."
—to Winnie
#1384
Rhoda:
"Where am I gonna find a good role model?"
Lorne:
"Find a good role model HERE. Never mind what I did wrong in my past because.... that was just a bad time in my life."
"Where am I gonna find a good role model?"
Lorne:
"Find a good role model HERE. Never mind what I did wrong in my past because.... that was just a bad time in my life."
#1381
"I feel like I wasted a year and a half of my feelings on someone that became a robot to her friends."
—email to Cas3y, about Jamie
—email to Cas3y, about Jamie
#1378
"Gee, I'm sorry. You must be gettin' some COCK n' COKE thrown in ya right now."
—voicemail to Winnie
#1377
Jamie:
"Why do you lie instead of telling the truth?"
Lorne:
"Because you're always trying to CATCH me in a fuckin' lie!"
#1376
"I don't care what color your hair is, I love you.... you just can't show up with a penis."
—to Winnie
#1375
Tiffany:
"Sing 'I'm A Little Teapot.' You know that one?"
Lorne:
"I don't know Little Teapot....
[singing...]
I'm a little teapot short and stout!
You fuckin'—you saw a fuckin' mouse and you ran the fuck out!"
[then he proceeds to laugh like an idiot]
#1373
Jamie:
"All you ever want is constant reassurance."
Lorne:
"Well, [laughs] yeah, honey, I'm in love with you. You're damn straight I want reassurance that you're not fallin' in love with someone else."
#1371
"Do you wanna hold them in your hand?"
—to Kayla, the 13-year-old decoy, referring to his testicles
#1370
"I don't look for revenge on anybody, unless it's Xavier Von Erck or someone like 'at."
—to Emma
#1369
Jamie:
"We broke up in October."
Lorne:
"Yeah, and we both know that we both still wanted those plans."
#1368
Casey:
"Okay, you still don't know what a twink is."
Lorne:
"Well—unghgh—I know, a gay guy twinkin' his ass for another guy."
#1365
"Ohhh, lemme see, what did I do today that impressed myself ... ... Well, I got home safely—I impressed myself on that one. I drove safely, I didn't kill anyone—I impressed myself on THAT one. I helped my boss work out tomorrow's job for me—I impressed myself on that considering I ... ... I had to remember all the loads that I just did this week that got all screwed up."
—to Cas3y
#1364
Will:
"You guys are ALWAYS arguing about nothing."
Lorne:
Mmnghghhyuhbdehbm—that's what we do. 'Til we're face-to-face with each other that's probably what we will do."
#1362
"Seven, eight ... nine, maybe? I don't know."
—to Jamie, estimating how many women have let him brush their hair
#1361
Human Jamie:
"Why was she in your phone under "Mom N"?
Lorne:
"Because I told probation that I would stop having anything to do with Nikki."
#1358
"May you get so drunk you puke in your car and get fucked by 10 alligators."
—text to Debbie, as told by Lorne to Winnie
#1356
"FUCK WILL AND HIS BIG BEAUTIFUL FUCKIN PENIS! YOU FUCKIN' LOVE HIM, GO MARRY HIM! I'M TIRED OF YOU TREATIN' HIM LIKE HE'S A FUCKIN' GOD!"
—to Jamie
#1355
"There are so many things about her that is just beautiful."
—to Tiffany (Debbie), about Winnie
#1354
"Lorne doesn't know anything about drugs. Lorne's a retard when it comes to drugs."
—to Dan & Emma